Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them? The first ones are always the hardest and yes we prepare for them. Besides all the normal holidays we only really celebrate their birth and death days. I decided from now on for any given holiday they would have received presents I'm still going to get them something. Probably for the first few years and then maybe start donating after that. For Christmas we have a tree at home and a tree at their grave (and this year that's all we will have at home, plus their stockings) At Easter I made a little basket up and of course Stephen and I ate all the candy. For their birthdays every year I will make a cake from scratch. Ty's will always be pumpkin cheesecake and Jacob's will always be carrot cake. I will also get them a present and a balloon for their grave. We will always go out on all the important days to their graves to visit and say hello. We are trying to prepare to celebrate their short but precious little lives. Emotionally we can't really prepare for them but I find the days leading up to those days are a lot harder then the actual days themselves. Mentally, we know it's going to happen so we deal with it. Physically we get stuff to celebrate their lives. I think that answers the question, it confused me a little. My brain is not back to normal.
Today was an okay day. It makes such a difference when the weather is nice. I got a really good work out in, I even ran a bit on the treadmill. I hope if I keep doing the workouts I did today that by the time my membership is up I have lost 10lbs. The only downside is I sweated so much I'm going to have to start taking showers at the gym....not a huge fan of being nude infront of others.....especially with my baby jiggle (my former baby growing space)
After the gym we headed over to see the boys. We grabbed Subway on the way and ate with the boys. They poured the boys concrete foundation and it was still wet so we drew a little heart in each. We got home but then I remembered I needed to go to Fabricland for curtain fabric and grommets. I found a really nice green stripped fabric, since we changed the living room around the beige curtains we have (that are the exact same colour as the walls) just does not do it so instead of paying an arm and leg for curtains I paid $20 for 5 metres for some awesome fabric, it was on clearance, regularly $49 per metre..I scored a great deal, now comes the fun part of sewing them and making them look pretty and trying the grommets out, I've never used them before. Anyways, on my way home I decided I wanted to go see the boys again. I lifted up the wood that was covering the cement to see how the hearts were drying and wouldn't you know, they came by and smoothed over the hearts...how dare they! So I drew them again....wonder if they'll still be there tomorrow.
Tonight was a grieving gals night out. Just the girls, some food, drinks and dessert. I hope Stephen manages with me not here, last time he went out with the bereaved boys I had a total meltdown. I felt bad he had to come home but I was not doing okay. I told him next time he goes out I won't move my butt off the couch so nothing bad can happen.
Turns out I can't even enjoy a night out, it turned into an emotional disaster, so much so that I had to pull over driving home because I couldn't see through the tears. I had another meltdown when I got home. I'm beginning to realize I am really not okay, though nothing about what has happened in the last year is okay but I'm really not doing as well as I thought. I think I am having severe separation anxiety from Stephen and from home. I can not go out without having mini-panic attacks especially if Stephen is not around, I can not just not deal with that. I really think this time around in addition to the counselor I need to see the psychologist. Sleep evades me, emotions control me, I feel I am not really with it. I can't be away from Stephen and I can't live like that. Everything makes me sad or upset, every pregnant woman, every baby, every thought, every movement I make reminds me of the boys and breaks my heart. Why can it not be Stephen and I who are announcing we are pregnant, who are bringing home our rainbow baby, who are bringing home a living breathing baby and for once in our family life be happy, feel the warmth and love of a newborn baby? Why can it not be us? Why is everyone else so damn happy and we're left heartbroken for a second time.
The other thing about tonight that was hard was I just didn't feel I belonged. These are people I have known almost 9 months who we became so close to, who are like family but tonight I felt like an outsider. These are also people who are having happy times, their pregnant, having their rainbows, they have kids at home they all can relate and then there was me, no living children and not pregnant. Don't get me wrong I love them to pieces and am happy for them but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. I am broken hearted that everyone seems to be happy and healthy and having babies except us. We keep getting screwed over, making us even more isolated from everyone. It was a struggle tonight, my mind and heart were just not there. The days are getting harder, the emotions stronger. And to top it off, my milk still has not dried up and I am soaking my t-shirt tonight...thanks body, thanks for making me feel like even more shit. I don't really know where to go from here. I guess all I can do it take it one hour at a time and try to set some goals. Try to do things I know I am still capable of (making curtains and decorating) I just don't feel like I am handling it as well as I think I am. Ugh....I don't know if this will ever get better....all I want to hear is the word mommy.......will it ever happen?