How do you answer the question of how many children you have? Well this really depends on the day, my mood and who is asking. I'd like to think I have the strength to tell everyone I have two sons in Heaven but some days I simply do not have it in me. I can remember one day shortly after we found out about Jacob that I was in Motherhood Maternity and they asked me if Jacob was going to be our first. I was already feeling pretty sad that day, my emotions were not wanting to be dealt with and there were a bunch of pregnant women in there, I simply said yes. The guilt set in right away, I felt horrible for not mentioning Ty but I just did not have the strength to tell his story at that very moment. After we lost Ty before I went back out in public I would sit at home and practice how I was going to answer this question and as much as I practiced it when it came down to it, it really depended on how I felt at the exact moment the question was being asked. I don't expect to be asked until we have another child so I have some time before I have to hear it again. I don't think most people ask it unless you are pregnant or have another child and since it will be awhile before either of those ever happen, I think I'm safe there, unless I bring it up myself. I hope one day I can say to everyone I have two sons in Heaven, or as someone in our stillbirth group says, I have two boys with wings (and I pray I can also say and 2 with feet)
Sleep has evaded me the last few nights. No matter how much I sit and think about things during the day as soon as I turn that light off my mind gets going and it just won't stop. It takes a few hours for me to finally calm it down. I usually think about everything that happened to Jacob and hopefully we get some answers soon so my mind won't wonder as much. I also think about very strange things but it seems its only at night, while I'm awake during the day I can't remember them. It could explain why I have such weird dreams though....hopefully my walk before bed helps my sleeping tonight. 2 more weeks until I can get the go ahead for bubble baths and maybe better sleep as well. Counseling next week may even help, it's all worth a try, I don't want to go on sleep medicine until I absolutely can not sleep. I got through loosing Ty with no medicine and I really want to with Jacob too even though this time is much harder. All I can do is try and see what happens with the healing power of time.
I was reading some other mommy angel blogs today and realized I am very blessed to have met so many wonderful angel mommies, sad as it is, I am glad they are in my life. The only downfall to that is, you hear about their angel babies and what caused them to pass and you learn about 100's of different things babies pass way from which makes the idea of being pregnant all the more terrifying. Who is to say it won't happen to us again? If you haven't lost a child you are probably ignorant to everything that can happen during pregnancy to end in loss and I don't blame you, I was the same way with Ty. No one wants to think about it or talk about it. But if you have had a loss and talked to others you realize truly how miraculous giving birth is. Every child born living and healthy is truly a miracle. I have learned so much about infant loss in the last year it's scary. I am glad most of you who read this probably have no clue, not the slightest idea and I pray you never find out for yourselves (if you haven't already) All I can say is, if you have children make sure they know you love them, do everything for them, give them the best life possible, focus your life around them, kiss and hug them everyday for you are witnessing the miracle of life which some do not get to experience. Never take that for granted. You are very blessed and lucky.