I feel a lot more at peace knowing both of my boys are now laid to rest, beside each other. I didn’t feel right the last week with Jacob being at the funeral home all by himself, not knowing where exactly he was or what was going on. It’s nice to know exactly where his little body is now. Of course it breaks my heart to know exactly where he and Ty are too…I can’t wait until both of their headstones are in and we can build them a really nice garden. It’ll be such a nice peaceful place to go and sit, or walk through and see the deer. I find it interesting that cemetery’s always seemed to creep me out a little but now they are a place where I go and find such peace and serenity. I love going to visit Ty and Jacob and just walking around through the leaves on a nice fall day. There is just something so peaceful about it.
I feel so exhausted today, emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I didn’t take my meds, I didn’t take any pain meds today and the pain is actually okay. I am a bit sore but the healing has gone very well. I have found the recovery from a c-section compared to my recovery from delivering naturally has been about the same. I may even say it has been quicker and less painful. It could be because I am so numb to most things these days and just so exhausted that my body hasn’t had time to rest and recover. I haven’t really rested since Jacob was born. Maybe it’s time for me to rest and recover even though I feel well and have been able to do a lot, I think I just need to rest this weekend.
We stopped by my work today to drop off some papers and I actually went in! It took me a good three months after losing Ty to even sit outside of work. I just felt strong..no maybe not strong…I was just so tired today I guess it didn’t bother me. I know we have a lot of support there. My work has been absolutely amazing with helping us with the boys funeral and headstone expenses, I don’t think Stephen and I could ever thank them enough. It is so nice to know we have that support and it makes the idea of going back there much easier. We saw a few people and I did okay, I held it together. We got what we needed to do done and then left and I survived. I didn’t feel I pushed myself and Stephen did offer to go by himself if I needed him too but it was nice to be some place familiar, some place where I know I can excel and have a routine. Its something I know and something I am use to which is nice right now.
On our way home we stopped and visited the boys. I am pretty sure we will be there almost every day. We saw two large groups of deer, one was all male and one was all female. It was so nice to see them all. It’s one of the peaceful things about the cemetery. We went to see the boys and decided we needed to get Jacob some things for his grave, a night light and a stuffed animal since his grave has no decorations like Ty’s. They already ordered his grave marker and I am working on designing his headstone and hopefully can get them both in before the winter.
Stephen and I have been talking the last few days about how thankful we are of all the help we have received. Losing Jacob was so different then losing Ty and this time around we have so much more support and love. I think it helps that we are open this time and not shutting ourselves in. It’s nice to know so many people care about us and are there for us. It feels so much nicer to let people in and not hold back. As uncomfortable as I feel about it, I find it very healing. Stephen and I really need time to heal and it’ll help that we have all this support.