Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones? Right now I have nothing but bad days. The first good day after we lost Ty wasn't until 3 1/2 months later when we found out we were expecting Jacob. Then I had quite a few good days until May 3rd when we found out Jacob would be "incompatible" with life and since then, other then the day he was born, I have not had a good day. I have found enjoyment a few times a day in some things that we do but I have not had a "good" day. My heart is too broken to have a "good" day. I don't know when I will have one, I'm sure it won't be anytime soon. I have a lot of emotions and grief I need to get through before I can even start to enjoy things in life. The only joy in life right now I get is helping other women through their losses. Of course being with my family and friends does lighten my mood most of the time. But the only thing I can think of that would lead to me having a "good" day would be if I had both my boys in my arms and well that is not going to happen so I don't foresee a good day in my near future. Maybe a few small moments of good during the day but not a whole day. There is too much that reminds me of Ty and Jacob, I am too sad to have a full good day. Maybe it will happen one day again....
We went apple picking today, it probably was not the best day to go because it is the weekend and on top of it, it's Thanksgiving weekend and I guess a lot of people have the tradition of going on Thanksgiving weekend so I knew it would be hell for me. This is why we didn't go last year (we went before Ty but didn't go back) it's just too much but we had a Groupon we needed to use and I really wanted to bake so we went, sunglasses and a box of Kleenex on hand. It wasn't as bad as I expected it. We tried out a new place, if we had gone to our favourite place I'm sure it would have been even more hell for me (would have been much busier then where we went). Thankfully, there were no little boys around Ty or Jacob's age so it made it a bit easier, however there were a few sets of brothers close in age and a sister pair that would be about Ty/Jacob's age so it was hard for me to see that. I only teared up a few times and just left when it got to be too much. We headed down to the beach for a bit and had some lunch at Mackie's and then headed home to see the boys. Stephen asked me if I enjoyed my time and had fun....nope I sure did not, in fact I hated it. I got no joy out of anything we did today, I just did it because it's something we do every year around this time but I did not enjoy it like I use to. I felt nothing but sadness, sad at the fact that a year ago I had so many dreams about this time of year and none of them are being fulfilled. Sure we went apple picking but I was not there. I was off in my own little grief land. I thought if we went out and did something I use to enjoy it may make me smile but nope.....it sucked. Everything sucks. The one and only time I smiled today was on our way to see the boys, knowing we would see them and the fact Stephen was being silly in the car and made me laugh. He can always make me laugh no matter how bad I feel. It's one of the many things I love about him.
On top of the fact I didn't have the boys with us today, something I forgot all about reared it's ugly head today.....migraine attack, not fun! It started when we were in Port Stanley and by the time we got home (which was like 40 minutes later) I had a full blown migraine attack going on, almost puking included. I did not expect them to come back this soon. In the 3 months after we lost Ty before we were pregnant again I only had one and that was maybe 7 weeks after so it was quite a surprise today. I was hoping they wouldn't come back but it looks like that will not be the case. I need to remember to put my migraine meds in my purse so I don't end up with another full blown attack. I also forgot how drowsy the meds make me when I don't take them for awhile....no driving for me! It took the meds about 1 1/2 hours to work so it was a hard afternoon of pain and nauseousness. Just adds to the suckiness of the day.
The nice thing about today was there were butterflies everywhere, all around us at the orchard and at the beach, it was so nice, I don't think many people stop and take a moment to look at there true beauty, but we do. There is something peaceful about watching butterflies. It was my bliss moment of the day.
I have been thinking a lot lately about moving. Stephen and I really pray and hope we can get into a house in a year, somehow God provides that opportunity for us, we don't know how but we are open to any possibilities. Other then the fact that I feel this house has brought us a lot of bad luck, I am starting to realize other reasons we want to move. One thing, I really want to have a room to set up as a nursery. I want someplace to have to go and sit and rock in the chair and just relax. We only took down Ty's "nursery" because it was in our hallway and we put a guest bed there instead since we didn't need the crib anymore. I just feel like I still want a room dedicated to what should have been, I want a nursery, I want a proper nursery. I also want some place to put all the boys things and more walls to hang pictures one, we just don't have enough room where we currently are but we do not want to move until it is into a house. So we pray God will provide us with a house (including a washer and dryer) within the next year. We don't need anything fancy by any means, we just want a house, a place to call our own, a place to do laundry and hang it on the line, a place to set up a nursery and a hutch for all the boys things....someplace without mold and asbestos...someplace with heat and properly sealed windows. We don't need anything big, just enough space for us and my parents. Praying within a year.....