I’m sure these posts are starting to sound similar, repeating the same thing over and over but that’s how the grieving mind works. It can’t process much and what it can process seems to be the same. It’s like being on a carousel, it just keeps going around and around and it seems it never stops, you can never get off the ride. At some point the carousel ride does end but then you get caught up in the rollercoasters. Those go on forever and ever and you will never get off of those. The ups and downs of grief continue throughout life. How does one go on after such an “amusement park ride” of the last year? I can’t wrap my head around anything other than the fact that my baby is gone. My babies are gone….All I want to know is if something different could have been done, but would it be better to know that? If we found out something else could have been done to save his life and he could have still been here with us is that how I want to live? Do I want to live knowing someone killed my baby? Not really, I much rather know he was at peace but I can’t help but wonder. I have a need to know though I am kind of scared about finding out….I just hope the doctors are gentle with their words when we speak with them. Just give it to us straight, don’t cut corners and we won’t cut corners with you. We have a few things to say ourselves.
I shouldn’t even be at home right now. I should be getting up to go visit Jacob in the NICU, watching him grow stronger day by day. We probably wouldn’t even be at home, we’d be sleeping in his NICU room with him. Yes they did tell us the first 72 hours were critical and I guess they were right but I never felt in my heart that I needed to worry. I really doubt myself now. I didn’t know something was wrong with Ty, or rather I thought he was moving less and did nothing about it and now through this pregnancy I failed to believe Jacob wouldn’t make it. I guess it was very naive of me. It really does something to a person’s self-esteem and beliefs when you can’t even trust your instincts. If I trusted my instincts with both then Ty would be here and I would have known Jacob would not make it. How does one believe in themselves anymore when the two most important things in life caused me to second guess my abilities, especially at being a mother. Especially at knowing myself and knowing my body.
Seeing the babies in the NICU who were born at 24 weeks really made me wonder how they could survive when Jacob had 12 more weeks then them to grow, how can they be “okay” and Jacob wasn’t? Did those 3 weeks with no fluid really make a difference? I guess they are right about amniotic fluid and I should have listened. I never wanted to give up but I wish I was smart enough to realize they are doctors they do know what they are talking about most of the time, they aren’t God but then I don’t even know what to think about that anymore.
I can’t sleep, my mind won’t shut down. There’s so many questions. Had we kept him in me longer and given him the shots would that have helped? Getting the shots was a debate between many. Some said yes but the majority said no because at 36 ½ weeks his lungs would either be there or not and they felt not doing it would give his lungs a better chance to grow when he was out….but I really regret not getting the shots, it was one more thing we could have done. I don’t know if keeping him in any longer would have been any benefit. We were told after 37 weeks the baby just puts on weight so it wouldn’t have mattered, not only that but with the low fluid I would think his lungs wouldn’t be able to expand as much.
I decided to watch some of the videos this morning, I am so thankful Stephen took some video but it makes me sad because I don’t remember Jacob when he looked like an actual newborn, all pink and small and precious, I just remember him being swollen and blue. I really regret being so drugged up the first day, I missed out on so much. I missed him moving like a newborn and holding his daddy’s fingers, I missed him squinting his eye brows and wiggling around, I missed him breathing on his own….I don’t remember that because I wasn’t there, I wasn’t allowed to be there. I had to recover and wait for the numbing to wear off. I tried not to take the pain meds so I could be as aware of everything as possible and we took for granted that the doctors said he was doing a lot better than they expected. How I wish we would have known so we could have spent every minute with him. How I wish I didn’t have to be drugged up so I could have spent more of his first few hours of life with him. What I would give to hold him in my arms again. What I would give to go back a week, it’s already been a week…I wish things last week turned out differently. We thought once we heard him cry that was a good sign, for his lungs anyways. How could everyone have been so wrong? I guess no one really knew until he got here and even then, it was a matter of Jacob telling us how he was. I wonder if we just would have left him alone and not stressed him out if it would have helped any. I’d think if his heart and lungs were good no matter what they did he’d be okay so to know he was really fighting and was really sick makes me think that maybe there was more going on. Maybe we should have done an autopsy. But then I can’t even imagine letting anyone cut my little boy open. They have plenty of x-rays and blood tests and ultrasounds that show most things so why bother? The only thing it might explain is what happened, but I’m sure they can figure that out with what they have and it won’t change anything, Jacob is gone, we aren’t going to try again so it wouldn’t really do much but upset me more.
I sometimes feel like Stephen and I are on this journey alone. How many people carry two full term babies only to have to bury both of them and still go home to a childless house? We have a lot of support, that’s not what I mean but I don’t know of anyone who has given birth to two babies only to bury them both and still not have any children.
I’m tired of putting away baby things that haven’t been used, I’m tired of washing baby clothes for no reason, I’m tired of installing the car seat only to take it out a few weeks later, I’m tired of having so many baby things and no baby, I’m tired of having no where to put them so they sit in front of my face and remind me of what I lost, I’m tired of having aching arms, I’m tired of going to the hospital and not bringing a baby home, I’m tired of burying children, I’m tired of being so close only to have it taken away, I’m tired of not being able to have the one thing my heart desires…I’m tired of putting away maternity clothes never to be taken out again, I’m tired of opening the cupboard and seeing all the sterilized bottles waiting to be used but collecting dust instead, I’m so tired I just want to bring a living breathing healthy baby home, it doesn’t matter if it’s biological or not, we just want to bring a new baby home to love and raise.
It makes me so mad, upset and angry to have to put everything away AGAIN for the second time, It was hard enough the first time but the second time? It’s unheard of. It hurts so deep….all I want to do is sleep in bed all day and cry. It’s good the house needs to be cleaned and our cats need attention or I just may stay in bed all day. I know it’s almost fall out and that use to be my favourite time of year. There is something so cleansing about fall, the leaves falling, the cool sunny weather, apple picking, pumpkin carving, baking, Thanksgiving…everything but now I have a feeling I will dread it every year because both my boys were born and buried in the fall time how can I look forward to that? It will never be the same. Both last year and this year all I imagined was bringing Ty and Jacob apple picking, putting them in the snugli and walking around the orchard collecting apples to bake into an apple caramel cheesecake. Being out in the fresh air with them, going on the wagon rides and still…we go empty handed and empty hearted.
I feel so much weaker this time…it’s such a different situation then it was with Ty. Ty was such a shock I remember for a good three months I didn’t feel much, my body was protecting me, this time we knew ahead of time we could lose him and I guess I should have listened to the doctors. I still didn’t prepare for the heartache, literally my heart aches, my arms hurt, the physical pain is barely tolerable. There were so many signs that pointed to Jacob making it and staying here with us for a while. How could we get them so wrong? I just feel so ignorant to the fact that we continued to have hope, he did live longer than any doctor thought but a lot shorter than we expected and his final few hours went downhill so quickly, his poor body just started shutting down so quickly there wasn’t anything I think we could have done differently. I really need to read the medical report. Maybe it will answer questions maybe it won’t, maybe speaking with the doctors can clear up some questions, maybe it won’t but it’s worth a try. It won’t change him not being here but I am hoping it gives me some peace of mind now that I am not drugged up…which brings up so many regrets. Had I not been so ignorant I would have realized he could still pass and I would have been with him as much as possible, tired and all, I wish I had known. I wish I could go back a week and be with him a lot more than I was. At least his daddy had some very special moments with him and got a lot of time with him. He can fill me in on what I missed out on.
All we want is to bring a baby home…all we want is to raise children and love them to pieces….we just want the chance and it seems it just can’t happen. I’m interested to see what the genetic tests say, maybe it will give insight into what has happened in the last year. It’s scary to think it may be something with Stephen or I but there is that chance, especially with what happened to Jacob.