Just a for-warning, this blog is going to be all over the place because right now my brain has 9 million things going through it and I can’t think straight.
I’ll start with how I am feeling….I’m mad, I’m furious as hell, I’m pissed off, I’m angry, I want to smash things but most of all I am broken hearted and want nothing more than to hold my baby in my arms again, to kiss his chubby little cheeks and stroke his soft dark brown hair. I’m mad the doctors told us if he came out crying it would be a good sign, I’m mad they told us his lungs were a lot better than they thought, they assumed it was his kidneys that were bad but those turned out okay and in the end it was his lungs that took him. I’m mad that 3 weeks of no fluid took our babies life. How can such a short time cause such a significant loss? The only thing I can feel good about is the fact that we did everything we possibly could, or at least I’d like to think we did.
I feel like the doctors killed him, it was their machines that destroyed his lungs, he had such tender lung tissue and their machines destroyed it. I know they were trying to help but I feel like they killed him. Did he really need that much pressure ? Couldn’t they have tried less and tried not to damage his lungs as much? His poor body so swollen and turning so blue. His poor little heart just could not keep up with all the medication and support oxygen going through his lungs. We were never explained that scenario. We were told he wouldn’t live or if there was some lung tissue he would need a lot of help but not that it would end his life. He crashed his first day of life because of some medicine they gave him and it seems that a few hours before he passed they gave it to him again, they knew he did not respond well so why did they give it again? I know they tried but I feel like they killed him. I’m not blaming them but when we were told so many things, not one of which ultimately ended his life, I feel that either they had no idea what they were doing or because of something they did that they didn’t tell us it caused him to get worse. We fought so hard for 9 months I only wish I felt the doctors fought as hard for him.
I am thankful we had wonderful nurses who loved him while he was there; I only wish we knew he was going downhill so we could have spent every awaking minute with him. Why did they not warn us? It was so quick. Maybe they didn’t know but with the numerous tests they were doing, you would think it would show a decline and not an all of the sudden 30-minute crash. I’m positive it was that medicine they gave him that made him crash the first time. You would think if it made him crash once they wouldn’t use it again. I was not happy with that.
No parent should ever have to tell the doctor to take their child off life support. I know I wasn’t going to do it. I told Stephen he would have to because I would never say that. Thankfully, he passed away so peacefully, he didn’t struggle or anything, we believe he was already gone by that point. But really, do you know how hard it is to be sitting there holding your newborn son who you fought so hard for, who fought so hard for you only to be faced with the decision to take him off the ventilator? No parent should ever have to decide that but it was only fair for Jacob, we knew he would not bounce back a second time, he was already gone. I now understand why some parents choose to keep their kids on life support, you never want to give up on your child and you never will say okay go ahead take him off. Some of us just cannot do it, I am thankful my husband was able to tell them because if he hadn’t I’d still be sitting there holding my baby.
$4500 in 11 months on burying our first two boys. It is not fair. $4500 should have been spent on spoiling the heck out of them, buying them cute clothes, taking them to the zoo and going to visit GG and Poppa. It should have been spent on buying more diapers and toys and a new bed once they would be big enough for a little boy bed. It should have been spent on a new toddler bed set from IKEA. It should never have been spent on two of the first pieces of land my husband and I own, two of the most cherished pieces of land we will ever own.
Not only am I in immense amounts of emotional pain but physical pain as well. A C-section is not easy to recover from but I think Jacob really helped me, I was up on my feet a few hours after surgery and have been every day since. My feet and legs are paying for it by being the size of elephant legs but he gave me motivation to get out of bed when I probably wouldn’t have had any. He made me heal well so I didn’t have to worry about my physical recovery and could be at home, with our boys. I only pray he continues to watch over me and heal me as me getting an infection or something is the last thing we need right now.
I felt so strong and at peace yesterday but today I am a wreck I hurt so bad, I am so mad and so upset and so completely broken hearted and don’t even get me started on God, that is an extremely touchy subject right now and something I know I will struggle with a lot.
I’m happy we got to share Jacob with so many people and through him we also got to share Ty, who by the way they could be identical twins! I’m happy we didn’t keep him hidden this time and shared our journey with him, I hope it gives others the courage to go through a pregnancy that will most likely end in a loss but I can tell you, it is worth every second, even with the heartache of the loss. (Which would happen anyways even if you terminated at an earlier week your still going to grieve so why not enjoy every minute you can, I know some people can’t do it and I understand that but for those of you who are contemplating it, you will never once regret the decision to carry on, make the best of it) We are so thankful we did, we have so many wonderful memories and much less regrets this time around.
I whispered into Jacob’s ear after he was given his final rights that he could go be with Ty and we do think he went shortly after that and just his body was left. I wish we could have kept fighting for him but he was already gone, he fought so hard for two days and we are so thankful he did that for us. I told him to give Ty a hug and a kiss from us and have fun in Heaven until we could see them again.
We know he knew whom mommy and daddy were as every time we would come visit his stats would go up, but only for us, only when we touched and talked to him would he show improvement. I absolutely love that he did that. He was showing us he knew whom we were and that warms my heart so much. I didn’t like that I had to be away to get myself checked out but knowing his stats improved when I came back…that is something I will always cherish. Thank you Jacob!
On Sunday we had an ultrasound and as I was in having my ultrasound done I heard a lady in the next room start to ball, my heart felt so sorry for her as I had assumed she just found out she lost a baby. Turns out she found out she was pregnant. Does she not know how lucky she is? Does she not realize so many people cannot have children and would give the world to bring a baby home from the hospital, even just once, instead of bringing home memory boxes of the babies they have lost? She should be thankful and feel blessed she got pregnant and most likely her baby would make it through the 9 months with no problem. How can you be sad at that? Even if she was younger, she has the option to carry and put the baby up for adoption, I just wanted to find her and say, we’ll take your baby, please carry it 9 months and we will raise it for you. We have lost two and want nothing more than to bring a baby home, please do not end your baby’s life. Give us and give your baby a chance. You are so lucky to be able to conceive and most likely carry a perfectly healthy baby, please, we will take your baby.
Jacob’s smell, oh how sweet his smell was….we gave him a bath using special soap and then a massage using some lotion, I now have a new favourite lotion. I just put it on my hands and wrists and close my eyes and smell him. I am so thankful we have a smell to associate with him other than the NICU (which is not the best smell) I will forever now use that soap and lotion, even if it is meant for babies, it brings me back to bathing him, dressing him and sleeping with him on his last night with us.
We spent the night in his NICU room with him, they brought in some reclining chairs and a crib for him. Halfway through the night I decided to take him out of the crib though and hold him while we slept. It was a good decision. I am very thankful I slept with him all night, just laying with mommy, starting at his perfect little face. He was all bundled in what was supposed to be his take home outfit and blanket but were going to get him a special burial outfit so we can keep the clothes he wore. I’m appreciative that the NICU staff did that for us. There was no way I was ever going to let him be a lone or not be held and I’m glad I was able to do that. Though him being at the funeral home all alone does bug me but it’s not like I can pull up a cot and be with him there and at some point he will be buried and I can’t sleep at the cemetery.
Last time, after Ty passed away I pushed everyone away, I hid for months and that did nothing for me. I swore this time I would not do that and I will not let myself do it. Stephen and I are incredibly blessed with so much support and wonderful family and friends and this time I am allowing myself to open up and let people in and I must say it’s a lot better. Not only to know people are thinking about us but this time, I am able to cry and crying with people and hugs is so much nicer then crying a lone in bed. Ty taught me a lot about crying and so did Jacob. I’m going to cry, my heart is broken and it is a lot nicer to have people to cry with than to be alone.