My heart is simply broken…I miss both of them so much. Tears constantly stream down my face at the mention or thought of them (which is pretty much all the time). No amount of Kleenex boxes are enough. We have so many memories but they seem so vague, so many pictures but it doesn’t seem like it really happened. It’s only been a week but it seems like it has been years. To visit the cemetery…well just to do that is a challenge within itself. There is no one else in the children’s section who has two babies buried. It is just not fair.
My tummy is quickly fading and while most postpartum moms would love that, I don’t. I would give anything to have my baby inside me again, so healthy, so perfect, so alive. I miss my big belly. Now it’s just stuck in between that stage people always wonder about but many never ask, is she pregnant or is it just fat? Sadly for me right now it’s just fat. I don’t think it will ever be pregnant again. I wish I could work out, the six week wait is really tough. I just want to get healthy again, I want to try to piece together some sort of life, some sort of routine.
I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping this time around. With Ty, Stephen and I found we were sleeping too much so we got into a good sleeping routine, this time, it’s a no go. We are both up many times throughout the night, getting up really early, going to bed really late, not sleeping enough, not eating or drinking enough, were just stuck in limbo. While I was pregnant I tried to eat everything as healthy as possible and now I just don’t seem to care. I know my body needs to heal and recover from the last 18 months pretty much, but it’s so hard. It’s not like we eat crap but we could most certainly improve our eating habits a bit. It’s just another part of getting back into some sort of routine but that took 3 months last time. I have another 5 weeks before I can even start to “moderately” work out when all I want to do is go running, now, I don’t want to wait but I know I have to recover. I just want to get out and run. It’s the perfect time of year to get our and just run. The weather is gorgeous. I also just want to take bubble baths, but I have to wait…this waiting sucks. Again, I know I have to heal but really, take away the few things I enjoy and make me wait for them. By the time I can have a bubble bath it will be Ty’s one year….one year, I can’t believe it. We have been through so much in the last year, it’s unimaginable. I feel like Stephen and I need to establish a purpose in life because what we were going for has been destroyed twice now. We just don’t know where to go.
We went to the funeral home today to spend some more time with Jacob. They had him all dressed up in his little casket, he looked like such a little angel. We both took turns holding him and took lots of pictures. It just felt so right. It was so nice to see him not so swollen. He looked perfect and he was a spitting image of Ty, I cannot get over how much they look alike, they are most certainly brothers!
We stopped by to see Ty on our way home not expecting to drive up and see Jacob’s grave already dug, that was hard to see. It just made me realize what is going to happen tomorrow. I hope it all goes well, we’ve done everything we wanted to, the waiting is hard, I just want to bury him in his final resting place and get some peace. I don’t like him being at the funeral home all by himself. As sad as tomorrow will be, I am looking forward to spending the day celebrating Jacob….What I would give to hold him in my arms again.