Someone asked me when I was expecting today, which I replied we already had him, he didn’t make it because I knew she was going to ask questions. We had gone out to Old Navy to get Jacob’s burial outfit and the cashier asked me, I guess I should stay in until my gut goes away, I do not want to have to keep hearing that question. As we walked away I started balling, I just couldn’t hold it in nor did I want to. With Ty I held it in so much because I was afraid of what people would think but this time I will not do that. So I left crying…oddly enough the first place in public I cried at after losing Ty was also Old Navy.
I still can’t get over the fact that the two pieces of land we own are the two most cherished pieces of land we will ever own, our sons graves. How is that fair? Were such a young couple and we already own two burial graves and have spent a good chunk of money on burying our children, how is that fair? It doesn’t make sense, once is enough but twice? Are we that unlucky? I feel like we are the only ones in this world who have lost two newborn babies. All we want is a large family and we can’t even have one child…how can people who don’t deserve children have 5 children with 5 different guys and treat them like crap and we can’t even bring one home with us? I will never understand that. It does anger me.
The lady we met with at the cemetery was very nice. She shared her story of losing her son with us and it made me feel at peace. We went in before we went to see Ty and I felt so weak, thinking that when we went to see Ty I was going to lose it knowing Jacob would be right next to him, though if Jacob can’t be with us there is nowhere else I rather he be then with his brother. Anyways, after talking to her I felt so much better and we went to see Ty and I was okay. She gave me so much insight and strength, it just makes me feel even more motivated to get involved in helping others through losing an infant.
I know I will never be addicted to pain meds because I really don’t like how they make me feel. I want to feel, I don’t like feeling so numb it bothers me. Hopefully the pain stops in a day or two so I can stop taking them. I much rather sit at home and do nothing then try to get up and have to take them.
We are making plans for Jacob’s funeral and Ty and Jacob’s celebration of life after Jacob’s service. We never celebrated Ty’s life and I really wish we had so after Jacob’s ceremony we are celebrating both our boys. I bought some nice picture frames, we’ll have Ty’s scrapbook and his memory box, Jacob’s picture book and some larger pictures of him, Ty’s bear and Ty’s picture.
We are having an open funeral for Jacob, hoping a few people show up to celebrate his short but very meaningful life.
I keep asking myself if this really happened….I keep comparing the days. Like this time yesterday Jacob was doing really well….this time yesterday Jacob started going down hill, this time yesterday Jacob was read his final rights and I told him to go be with Ty, this time last night we sent his body to Heaven, this time last night I was laying in the chair staring at my beautiful baby boy, this time…this time this time, this time was when I laid him in the box for the funeral home to take……
We decided to have a closed casket but Stephen and I will have a few moments to ourselves before the ceremony to kiss him one last time and take a picture of him in his burial outfit, something I wish we did with Ty.
Will we ever get to bring a baby home from the hospital? Will we ever experience 2am 4am and 6am feedings? We know we are not going to try again, our bodies, physically, mentally and emotionally cannot take another loss, to have to bury a third child is out of the questions, so where does that leave us? Adoption. That’s a whole other topic of many many posts to come later on.
I’m having phantom kicks like crazy, I miss his little feet kicking my bladder so much…what I would give to have him in me again so alive and well.
My mind has 9 million things running through it but that is where I am at…all these questions, all these thoughts…I promise in a few weeks things will start to make sense again and I will have more thoughtful things to say…but for now grief has me in it’s grip.