It's not an easy subject, in fact it's one most avoid, but when you have it stare you in the face twice you look at it differently. Before we went through everything that we did with the boys I'll admit I was scared of death. I didn't have the strong faith I do know and there were so many unknowns that I had. The boys taught me a lot about death, Jacob especially. He taught us that death can be a beautiful thing. Not all death is beautiful depending on the way you die but it is not something to fear. Both Ty and Jacob have taught us that there is some sort of afterlife. We cannot deny that they aren't around us at all times. Strange things happen and I know it is them. In the last to years my view on death has dramatically changed. I know longer fear it, yes it still makes me a little uneasy but only in the sense that how I will die is not known and that is a bit scary.
I never thought that at the young age of 28 my husband and I would be reserving our plot at a cemetery and desiging our headstone but given what has happened, it feels right to us. It is importnant for us to be close to the boys so we have to reserve our spot now. Death has become part of our life and it is fitting because with every life comes death.
I bring this up now because of something that happened on the weekend. It was Doors Open in London (one weekend a year certain places open their doors for the general public to see) We go every year (minus last year) This year we had the pleasure of really getting to know the boys cemetery. They have a few places that are closed during the rest of the year so it was nice to see what was inside those places. That being said, there was one place we simply should NOT have gone too. We went and saw the crematorium. We stayed for maybe a whole 45 seconds because I could not take it. It made me sick to my stomach to see it. It was death, yet again, staring me in the feace but this time it was not the face of my precious angels, it was a furnance to burn bodies (obviously thats what a crematorium is) I can't really place why it made me so sick and absolutely horrified but it did. All I could think about was them loading Ty or Jacob into the place and their little bodies burning. I almost puked.
I don't mean to sound horrific or judegmental of those who choose to cremate, that's not it at all because that is a very personal choice and honestly, it has pros and cons too. We never had the discussion whether to bury Ty and Jacob or cremate them, Stephens beliefes said bury and I'm happy we went with that, though there are cons to that as well. Our boys are buried here, we can not move them which means we will forever live near London as I simply cannot move away from their bodies. I feel it is my reponsbility to take care of their graves out of respect for them and don't get me started on the whole worrying about them being cold issue. But that was our choice and not everyone believes in that and thats okay, I just simply needed to state about how terrifying it was for me to see the place where bodiesd are burned. Trust me and take my word, DON'T go to one if you have the chance! It's the ugly side of death, the side that does scare me. I thought I'd be okay to go see it but I was not. I can't shake the feeling it gave me. I want the beautiful side of death to come back into my mind and replace this horror I encountered over the weekend.
At least I now know I should probably NEVER go to a morgue (well alive anyways) because I can only imagine how much that would terrify me and make me sick as well as cold as it is and everything that comes with it. I'm sure I would get the same feeling and I have worked hard on not being afraid of death and don't want another train derail when I see more into how dead people are dealt with. I prefer to remember Jacobs last breathe, so incredibly peaceful, so sure real, beautiful, he could not have left this world with more love, more hope, more faith and more peace, a present from him to his mommy and daddy. He and Ty both taught us the beauty of death, it is not to be feared (how you will die is a different story as no one wants to imagine suffering) but death itself can be beautiful and should be celebrated.
Many people do not understand how we were laughing and all smiles at Jacob and Ty's celebration of life (after Jacob's funeral) but the sad part was over and now we had every reason to celebrate his death. It's hard to do and it is a struggle but finding peace with it has helped us live on.It has taught us that death really can be beautiful.