Stephen and I have been contemplating getting a new car ever since April 2010 when we almost died on the highway thanks to our unreliable Big Blue Bertha. For those of you who don't know the story, we were on our way to Michigan to visit my parents (Milo and Charlie included). We were about 3 hours into our drive when Stephen started to notice the car was starting to pull, I thought it was just the bad Michigan roads but it started to get severe and Stephen decided to pull over because he was loosing control of the car. Had we driven any longer our car would have crashed on the highway and we may have died. Anyways, we got out of our car and the entire back end, underneath our car was on fire. Thankfully it smoked itself out before the tow truck got there. We sat on a hill away from the highway and the car and waited for the tow truck (our cats found this to be quite the experience) When we took it to the shop they told us that the wheel was on the verge of falling off. Because it was on fire it had melted all the back pieces together so they were not working. Had Stephen not decided to pull off when he did we would be dead or severely injured because Stephen would have lost all control and the car would have rolled over. We got it fixed but ever since that day we have been terrified, I mean terrified to ride in our car. We have not taken it out of the city since and instead have been renting cars when we go out of town. Though they fixed it, just the experience and knowledge of what could have happened frightened me to the core and we decided we should consider getting a new car. The car has been falling apart ever since I got it. I have spent more on the car then what I paid for it and it continues to have problems. The only thing holding us back from getting a new car was the fact that we still had money owing on the death trap (as we so kindly refer to it now) so our plan was to wait and pay if off and then get a new car but when we found out Jacob may have been able to stay with us on earth we talked about getting a new safer car anyways because there was no way we would feel safe with him in death trap. We had been pondering what kind of cars we would like to look at but yesterday in the mail we were presented with an opportunity that got us thinking.....
Now they always tell you not to make huge decisions after such a loss because your mind can't process even the simplest things but seeing as we were already talking about getting a new car and fairly soon, this is a good time for us. It still fits well within our budget because we got rid of cable and the cost of cable pays for the little bit more we pay a month, plus now we will have a safer car, one that we won't be afraid to drive in. We don't have to worry about renting cars anymore we can just hop in the car when we want and go where ever we want. Anyways, the deal we got was through Chrysler so we headed to the dealership to see what they had. We ended up putting in an offer on a 2010 Dodge Avenger, we got a really good deal and it was well within our price range. After sleeping on it we decided we really needed to shop around a bit more, I bought death trap without doing much research or looking around and since we want this car to last we wanted to see what else was out there so we pulled out the deal. We ended up finding another car that we liked much better and that was still in our price range. We are going back tomorrow (we'll go check out a few different cars first) but I think we are going to go with the 2012 Hyundai Accent. It's nothing fancy but it is exactly what we need, brand new, good ratings, great fuel mileage, good warranty, great price, not a death trap, wheels probably wont catch on fire and almost fall off...so we'll sleep on it and look at a few more places tomorrow then hopefully buy a new car. I guess we should care about our safety as well..not just the boys. The hard part about the car shopping today, while we were at one of the places talking to the associate, the song September came on. This is one of Jacob's songs and I tried soooo hard not to break down crying, it would not have looked good for buying a new car.
Other then buying a new car, our day has been eventful, more so then usual. We met with the social worker and I was a bit anxious about this because it's the third social worker at the hospital we have worked with (hospital politics won't let us keep the same social worker, it makes no sense) but it's someone new who is very nice and someone else we get to share our story with. I was just more worried about going back to that dreaded hospital. Nothing good has ever come from there. I really have a displeasure towards it. Like last time, pregnant women and babies make me feel not so good, I can't stand them (there are very few exceptions to this and those people know who they are) but just pregnant people in general really bother me. I don't expect every to really get over this, who knows maybe with time....but for right now, general pregnant people should avoid me, especially if you smoke, drink or do drugs while pregnant for your own physical safety it's best not to let me see you. Also, it's probably best not to let me see you if your yelling at your children, hitting them, putting their life in danger, complaining about them....pretty much if it's something other then loving your children it's best not to let me see it because my mouth and fists may have a few words. Back on track....so anyways, I was nervous about the appointment because of being back at the stupid no good hospital (it's not really, they do amazing things there and save peoples lives all the time, it's just for myself personally, I hate it) I had a horrible reaction last time we went back after Ty and I was afraid of the same thing but I know this time around I think I'll need more counseling. I feel so much more anger, frustration, pissed offness, intolerance, hurt, sadness, despair, unsettled.....everything, I never felt that after Ty but I feel it so much this time and I don't know how to deal with all of that. I still have yet to get to Goodwill to get some good smashing glass but I may try some art therapy too, indulge back into sewing up storms! I love sewing, I love that in a day I can see a result of something I have worked hard on. I would love to make things to help those how have had a loss, just like the memory boxes, but because of loosing Jacob those are on the back burner and instead we are donating books to put with the memory boxes the hospital supplies. And here I go off on another random tangent. Again, back on track, the hospital. I never like going to that place, it makes me so sad but I know I have to, after all I want to help their perinatal loss and hospice program so I'll have to be back there and hopefully a lot but for now, it's too soon. At least meeting with the social worker will give us some guidance as to where to go from here because I do not know this time around. I prepared myself to allow and expect myself to cry, I have not held back my crying this time around, out in public and all, if I feel the need, I let the tears flow. If people look at me, so be it, except at the car dealership.
The meeting...well it went. To get to her office we had to go through mother baby and hear the babies crying, I tried to distract myself from the sounds and sights but it was hard. We had a good talk, I think I am still going to go back to my counselor, the one I saw after we lost Ty. I think talking helps and I don't know if our Bereaved group has a new group opening up for infant loss so back to the counselors I shall go. We did request a copy of Jacob's records to go over and then meet with the neo so hopefully that will give us some answers as to why Jacob is not here.
Today has been a long day, thankfully to a very special friend we had a great dinner with AMAZING rice balls....oh they were so good. We did get out for a longer walk, which feels so nice. I just can't wait to start running. I hope I sleep well tonight, sleeping has been a struggle this time around. But I was up early, we were busy today so I'm hoping it means a better night of rest. The only downfall is my jaw. Sadly, I remember this also from loosing Ty. My jaw and neck hurt so bad, I carry so much tension and clench my jaw. I think I am in need of a massage....what a day.