One of the "stages" of grief is denial and I think I am fully in that stage. Maybe it's just that it still has not set in, or maybe it is that I am in denial. I just can't grasp the idea that this is really happening, part of me feels that she will be fine. I saw the ultrasound, I saw that she had no arteries but I fail to believe she won't live. I just don't believe it yet. However, we are doing everything we can to prepare for her passing. We reserved her grave, picked out her burial outfit, making all the preparations for the hospital and how we want to handle things, which is a whole process in itself, what pictures we want, how we want them, who we want there...so many things. Instead of buying cute little "Mommy's Sweetheart" or "Daddy's Little Princess" clothes and blankets and toys I'm debating when to bathe Matea, before or after she passes. I've thought a lot about it and I think after she passes. I don't want her to be cold or uncomfortable for one second she is with us so I think after she passes. They have some really nice baby soap at The Body Shop that I want to get for her so she smells like a baby. All of these I wish I did with Ty, but we never thought about it at the time.
It is reasons like these that I am determined to make Memory Ty's an amazing organization. I want to help other families who experience the loss of a child. I don't want a mother or father to regret anything that they did not have the chance to do, when you are in a shocked state of mind you don't think of everything you may want to do which leads to regrets. I have a lot of regrets with Ty, all of which I intend to fulfill with Matea, but other families won't have that option. At least I PRAY they don't ever have the chance to make things right the second time, but the first time, I want things to be right the first time.
We were at the mall today and I stopped by Things Engraved. There were a few things in there that I want to get for Matea and Ty. They had canvasses with a cute baby quote, then the name and birth date of the baby, one for a boy and one for a girl so I want to get one of each for my angels. They also had a little trinket box that said "Little Princess" on it and I want to get it for Matea's hair. They had a lot of other cute little things there I may get for my babies...even though they aren't here, having things with their names on them makes me smile.
It is a hard balance already missing Matea even though she is still with us. We're grieving her loss but she isn't gone yet and we pray she isn't gone for another 16 weeks and even after then, we pray she is with us for a few hours or a miracle happens and she grows a kidney. But how to prepare to grieve while still celebrating and enjoying her little life, how does one do that? I have not figured it out and maybe that is aiding into the denial aspect of grieving.