. It's become my favourite quote. The fact that Stephen (my husband who I will start calling Stephen because he does have a name) opened the bible to that page with those words and that's all he read....it's become our motto. It's been two days since we got the good news and I still can't fathom what happened but I think my mind is finally starting to let me become more hopeful, to start thinking about bringing the baby home, stopping by the cemetery, not to reserve a plot but rather to introduce him to his brother. Or bringing him to church for the first time...him, see I am calling him him now. The only reason I really think it is a girl is because this pregnancy has been completely opposite of what it was with Ty. I have had a relatively easy time. I thought if it were a girl, different hormones, less side effects but Stephen and I were talking about the ultrasound and where him and the tech were pointing out the gender it most certainly looked like a hotdog with some potatoes.I can't deny that but for the last 10 weeks it's been all about Matea, about our little girl. I have a feeling the baby may not let us know what is it until it is born...which brings up one of my major concerns now.
Okay, so assuming everything stays the same, the kidney keeps working and fluid is building up the main concern now is the development of the lungs. They will give me steroid shots to help but whether or not the cells developed to begin with are unknown and there is no real way they can test the lung development. My HR OB said at around 34 weeks they could try an amnio to see the levels of ls ratio....which we may do to hopefully know if our baby will live or not because at this point it will 100% be a c-section, there is no way around it. My placenta previa ontop of the breech position the baby is in and the fact that baby may live (the doctors think c-sections are less stressful to the baby) I have to have a c-section. Obviously I can't go with the baby right away. If their main concern is the lungs then right after the baby is born he/she will be taken to the NICU Stephen will be going with the baby) But what I fear and I should know now to fear anything, if the babies lungs have not developed and the baby is going to pass I won't have a chance to see the baby a live which brings up the question, do we put the baby on life support until I am out of surgery and can see the baby? It would be a lot easier if we knew if the lungs have developed the cells needed but there is no way to test it, pretty much have to wait until baby is born so we really do not know if the baby will live until he/she is born. But I do trust in God and I do know (as LOTS of people have told me) when he preforms a miracle he doesn't do it half assed so I have to believe the lungs will be developed enough and that the kidney will be functioning at capacity. Not knowing now what is going to happen is hard. We can't prepare anymore. We are in limbo, loving our baby the best we can these last 8 weeks, giving our baby the best chance possible. We will continue to fight for him/her. We have so far and look where that has gotten us, closer to a living baby. We'll find out tomorrow if things are still the same or better, I pray they don't get worse again. Then Tuesday is an even more critical appointment with the FDC team, which includes a neonatologist so were hoping to get some answers to what we can expect. Of course, things are going to happen the way they happen and we'll have to go with that. Take things as they are presented to us. One step at a time. Day by Day.....I'm going to have to remind myself of that in the hospital but if I can't have access to a computer I may go insane. I need to blog! I need to let everyone know what is going on and surely we need to let everyone know when our baby arrives and what is going on. I can't help but feel hopeful today.
Being hopeful is making me want to get baby things out but I just don't think I can bring myself to do that. However, I think it would be beneficial to install the car seat and have it checked as that is a safety issue we need to take care of so I think we will at least do that. I also need another outfit for a boy, a coming home outfit so I will have to look through Ty's things to pick one out. I asked God today to give me the strength to let go and put all my trust into him and just believe. It scares me that there is hope now but it's what we wanted. I had a dream the other night about a living baby, I don't remember specifics, I don't even remember if it was ours but it was a living baby in our life. Living, healthy baby one with a functioning kidney and lungs. I wonder if they check how the kidney will function once born..that's going on the list of questions...Which I need to bring with me to the hospital, which means I should have all my packing done tonight in case we go in tomorrow and the Dr decides to admit me then. I hope I get until Tuesday but I'll do whatever it takes for the babe. Maybe if there is more fluid it won't be as much of a concern though I think the concern is the placenta previa. I don't know if my placenta could move up or stretch out in 3 days to the point where it wouldn't be of concern. We'll find out tomorrow. If this is teaching me anything it is that patience is a virtue, I've always said it but never experienced it myself. I am learning to let go as I do not have control. To be thankful for everything we do have. That there is so much more to life then petty little things. That I have the best family and friends in the world who have been through so much with us and may not realize that it is them who have helped get us through, which I do want to say and send a huge thank you to everyone who has helped us, it is only because of the support we have received that we are able to be strong and hold our heads high. So Thank You.
We ordered Ty's headstone yesterday. It is going to look so nice. We picked out a black headstone with 5 polished sides and on it will be an etched butterfly then inside the butterfly will his name, his birthday, beloved son of Stephen and Jessica and then his footprints with angel wings in a heart. Right under the butterfly will be the quote "Many only dream of angels, we held on in our arms" I cannot wait to get it put in. We'll have to do a fundraiser to help pay for it as headstone are not cheap, not that I expected them to be but they were more then I thought, of course our little boy only gets the best though. I pray we don't have to go back and order another one. I pray we can call the cemetery and say, hey we don't need the grave beside Ty anymore because God has given us a miracle. I pray God continues to heal our baby and myself. (Healing Oils ceremony again today) I pray God gives Stephen and I the strength to get through the next 7 weeks being apart. Our relationship has been tested many times and continues to be and our love is so strong I know we will be okay but we do need strength. I pray God gives me the strength to stay sane while in the hospital anxiously awaiting the arrival of our miracle. God is great and has blessed us and I pray he continues to do so. Do not doubt but believe.....