I was debating whether or not to post this but I need some answers, or at least opinions. I have no doubt that Ty's little spirit is with us, I know he is here. I'm not sure about Jacob's but there have been a few times where I thought it may be him. Obviously I believe in something, what that is I'm not sure but something happened the other day at church and I've been left to wonder. Stephen and I headed to the church for our weekly Saturday night cleaning. He usually takes the basement while I take upstairs. I had brought the vacuum and the broom up and went to turn the lights on in the nave. As I was turning on the lights something caught the corner of my eye and as I turned to look I saw what I thought appeared to be a fluffy white angel wing, it was about mid height when I was turning to see it and as I saw it it fell to the floor in a rather quick matter, like a blink of my eye. At first I thought it was someone in there so I slowly approached where I saw this fluffy white angel wing but there was nothing there......except a small white feather. Could it really have been an angel wing that I saw? Call me crazy but I know I saw something that cannot be explained.
Today is day two of no meds and I have a feeling my sense of hopelessness steams from the lack of happy pills in my system. I decided this week would be a good week because there isn't much going on, it is suppose to be sunny and warm every day (which usually helps my mood sans happy pills anyways) and I'm tired of all the side effects I am having from them....so what does no meds look like? A mess, tears for the most part but not out of control like they use to be. I'm sad, I'm sure anyone that has lost their children would feel sad and cry...it's a normal part of my grief and I need to deal with it now while I have the time. I don't feel edgy or anxious like I use to...given I still am dealing with loosing weight and trying to find a new place to live which are a bit stressful but I have to learn how to cope with my stress. The house hunt is exhausting...I'm just not finding what we need/want. I don't have a problem being here another month or two, I don't want to move just because we have to move...I want it to be for the right place. I will continue to exhaust my options and find us a better, bigger, mouse/mold free home. So I know my stress will continue to be a bit high over the next little while but I'm going to learn how to deal with it. I'm going to learn of ways to cope and be active in my grieving instead of sheltering myself. I have no other choice, if I ever want to feel happiness again then I need to get my butt actively grieving, no more passive grieving.