My worst fear, my dread, the question while out in public " When are you due", "Boy or girl" "first baby"? Followed by congratulations, for what? The fact my child is going to die? For being pregnant? Do I mention what is going on? Do I risk breaking down and crying? I know I have mentioned it before but it is still a conundrum I face daily. So far I have dealt with it on a daily basis, depending on my mood. I have yet to tell a stranger or even some I see often but don't know very well, what is going on. I just don't have it in me. I have yet to come to terms with the fact that Matea will not live, I think before I can tell others I need to come to terms with it myself. I am clearly showing and this makes things difficult. I want to enjoy this pregnancy but it is hard, I want to celebrate but how do you celebrate a life that is going to be cut so short?
I read online yesterday about a few women who chose to have angel showers for their babies (like a baby shower but obviously given the circumstance it would be an angel shower) I really like the idea but I don't know if I would have the strength to go through something like that. Gifts suggested were nice baby photo frames, gift cards to restaurants, massages, spas, a small outfit, booties or cap for the family to have to keep in a memory box....you play games as well...it sounds like something very nice, a way to celebrate the life, but would many people come? Would I even have the strength to go...I guess it is something I can think about over the next few weeks.
I feel so alone most days. Its is common to have a stillbirth and we know because we have our own group in London of families who have went through it. However, having Bi-Lateral Renal Agenesis is much more rare and finding people who have been through the same thing, so much harder. I have yet to meet anyone in person who has even heard of it. Not to mention, show me a mother who has lost both of her babies and still has no living children. I feel they don't exist. It seems everyone who has lost a baby has had a baby before or after their loss and only looses one child, not two. I feel alienated.
I think Matea is afraid of thunderstorms like her mommy. She is normally pretty quiet at night maybe a kick or two but last night during the thunderstorm she was all over the place, I think she was even trying to turn away from the loud noise. It was SO loud and shook the whole house, she was probably wondering what the heck was going on, needles too say her and I were up from 5am-7am in the rocking chair trying to fall back asleep but I loved sitting there playing the poking game with her. She has such a personality, just like her bother did. She is quite active, hopefully on our ultrasounds next week she moves a lot and we can see all of her, or him.
We booked the 3D/4D ultrasound for next Thursday, the 16th. I am so excited. I hope even without fluid we can still see our little baby a bit and maybe even find out if it is a boy or girl. It is nice to have something to look forward to. I'll post the video and pictures as soon as we get them. Were also going to go to the butterfly conservatory while were over that way. The 3D/4D place we are going to is not in London so day trip for us. I am going to call it an early night, up early and no sleep makes for a sleepy mama.