I think I am afraid to sleep. I am so exhausted but I never want to go to bed. After we lost Ty I looked forward to going to bed, I loved sleeping but I always had good dreams after losing him, though I still have not had a dream about him. This time I have had a few dreams about Jacob and when I wake up from them I find my mind is racing a mile a minute. It can't shut off, all I do is lay awake and think about everything that has happened. I'm afraid to dream of him, they always end up with him being gone. Before he was born I only had good dreams about him, dreams and signs that things would be okay but now, I don't like dreaming about him when even in my dreams I don't get to have him in my life. I find dreams are such funny things. I know I'm not the only one because there are so many books and websites on interpreting your dreams. I always wonder where they come from, are they what lie deep in our subconscious minds? Should we be afraid of them? Can they really predict our future? I surely hope they don't predict the future because I really don't want my pet ostrich to attack Milo. I also don't want my mom to get arrested for shop lifting at Big Lots, the plus side to that one is Shemar Moore is her lawyer...you can't really go wrong there, it may be worth it. Dreams are just funny things, maybe one of those things we will never understand and one of those things that just will keep me awake at night. I wish I wasn't afraid to sleep, I am just too exhausted I really need to get some good shut eye. I don't know how to fix it though, it's something I have no control over. Actually I've learned I really have no control over much these days anymore and that is a tough bit to chew.
I'll admit I like to be in control. I like to make sure things are where they should be, people are taken care of, the house is taken care of, bills paid, cats fed, people happy but in the last year I have given up on control. We tried to control Jacob's outcome by doing everything we possibly could but look where that got us, actually it got us two days with him so it was well worth it. But, when you try so hard at something (and twice at that) and fail it is so hard to regain a sense of control. Maybe the world isn't suppose to be controlled, maybe as humans we have to let go of everything and take what we are given (which is another lesson we have learned in the last year). But how does one who is so use to being in control give up a sense of control? I find it too exhausting (thankfully) to really try to gain a sense of control. In the last year Stephen and I have gotten use to, give us what you want and we'll deal with it. We will take whatever we are given head on, with our heads held high and our love ever growing. It's our new life and it'll take time to get use too but we'll manage it eventually. Maybe in a few years maybe in quite a few years...who knows. I don't know much of anything these days....I do know life isn't fair and that the life that isn't fair is also a short life so you have to live each day to the best possible day. It's easier said then done.
I feel worse today than I did yesterday. My grief has overwhelmed me. All I want to do is lay on the couch all day. I hope we can get things cleaned up around here so I can just relax. Though sometimes when I lay down to relax I get agitated and feel like I need to be up doing something. I wish my body could survive off little rest. I can't stop thinking about Jacob, I can't stop the tears that well up in my eyes, I can't stop thinking about if there was anything more we could have done. I can't stop thinking about if the doctors did something wrong. I can't stop thinking about how sedated he was and that I barely go to see him as him. I can't help but feel guilty that I didn't spend more time with him. I can't stop thinking about how the first time I held him was also the last time I held him. Everywhere we go there are kids thrown in front of us, babies everywhere, baby things everywhere. I should be buying more baby things because Jacob would be spoiled. I shouldn't be buying his headstone...how is that right? My mind feels like it is racing around and around with no end in sight. But again, that is one of grief's ugly rearing heads.
We stopped by to visit the boys today, though I could say that everyday for the next 4 months....it was hard. I was really hoping we would only have to go see Ty and that instead of Jacob being there, we would be able to bring him with us to meet Ty. I wanted to walk with him through the cemetery, show him all the deer, teach him about respecting those before us but instead he is with Ty in Heaven. I miss both my boys so incredibly much. My heart is broken into a million pieces and I don't think there is anyway to mend it. I would give everything to hold them both in my arms again, to smell their sweet baby smells, to change their diapers, to hold them close and give them kiss after kiss, hug after hug....how do I go on?