There have been many times where I remember my dreams the next morning though most of the time they are crazy. For example, one time I had a dream that Milo and I went back to live with my parents and they have bought a pet Ostrich and it would not let Milo come out from under the bed....(see crazy) Even if my dreams are crazy and I remember them they aren't usually very vivid. It doesn't really feel like it's happening, almost like I know it's a dream. Last night I had a dream and it actually felt real, it felt believable like it was really happening. I dreamed that Stephen and I had our little girl whose name was Matea Faith (if we have a girl that will be her name) We we're bringing her to a restaurant with my parents to meet up with my dads' Kellogg hockey team. To give you some context. Every year in February Kellogg's has a hockey tournament for teams from Canada and one from the US (all Kellogg employees) Every year after the games they always go out to eat at a bar type restaurant. In my dream we we're meeting up with his hockey team and we brought Matea with us. The dream was so real, nothing in it was fabricated and for those few moments I felt it was really happening. I can't help but wonder if that means we will have a little girl in our lives by next February (obviously it won't be this February as the tournament is only two weeks away and we have not done anything to adopt a child or try to get pregnant) and towards the end of the dream there was something about a little boy named Noah.......I guess we will wait and see what the next year brings....I can only hope we truly get to bring a baby home.
In other news...I think I need to take a break from the whole God thing. I do not understand his plan, none of our prayers are being answered and we continue to suffer. Stephen is pretty sure he did not get the permanent job and I have no idea why. They all love him, love his work ethic, he has worked his butt off since November getting things done well ahead of schedule and they all like working with him so why not offer him the job? I don't know, it's stupid and it pisses me off because now we are screwed. I'm not ready to go back to work and who knows how long it will take him to get a job in this economy it may take months and since he used up his EI while we were off with Jacob he doesn't qualify. I fail to see this is part of God's plans. Nothing good ever happens, we never get a break, it's bad thing after bad thing, more suffering after more suffering and if this is in God's plan then I'm not happy with him and I need a break. Why couldn't they just offer him the job? We definitely cannot afford to move now, despite needing too, but because come next month we will have no income from Stephen and bare minimum from me we are stuck with the mold and second hand smoke on top of the no heat on cold days. Seriously though, if this is God's plan than I am not happy and it is hard to trust when nothing good seems to happen for us. Why must we suffer more? I'm so tired and exhausted. I just want a break. I want to know things are going to be okay but they never seem to be. I can't heal and grieve and work on stress when two of the biggest stressors seem to have no answer. I just want good things to start happening to us. I pray they do...or maybe I don't pray because none of our prayers ever get answered so who knows. I have a feeling I will have to increase my happy pill dosage, I was hoping to go off of it but now I have even more anxiety....