Last night was the first night I have had a dream about actually loosing Tea. All the dreams I had before were of us having a healthy living breathing baby girl but not last night. I didn't physically loose her as I was still pregnant but I was at the hospital going to my high risk appointment and I ran into some of my old OB's nurses and secretaries and they didn't know so I had to tell them we were going to loose her. That was all I remember. I prefer the dreams where she is living of course. I kept having dreams of having a little girl at Christmas time, celebrating her first Christmas. Does this mean there is something in store for my husband and I whether it be Tea or another baby girl comes into our lives somehow? Maybe it's just my heartbreaking urge to be a mother of a child that is living, to hold a baby in my arms and give them our undivided love and attention. Maybe it's just feeding my urge for the need of holding my baby in my arms. Dreams are funny things.
My attempt at a nap yesterday did not go well. I laid down about one because I had eaten lunch at 12 and wanted my food to settle so I wasn't bothered. Well my gallbladder acted up anyways. Then it seemed for some reason on the one day I wanted to nap ALL my neighbours had to cut their lawns at the exact same time and for an hour and a half. I got up to shut the windows and turn on the fan to drown out some of the noise but then I was more awake because I had to get out of bed. So I was trying to fall back asleep and my husband came home. He is relatively quiet when he knows I am trying to take a nap. But still, any little noise was keeping me awake at that point, plus I was getting warm so I took off my pj bottoms and tried to fall back asleep. My husband came in again to tell me he was going to get bread which woke me up a bit and I decided to go to the bathroom since I had a pretty full bladder as I drink a gallon of water a day so of course I'm in the washroom all the time. Well I get back into bed to get all cozy and lay there for awhile and as I am starting to fall back asleep the cats start at it on the bed. Just as I was getting them under control my husband comes home again and I decided a nap was just not meant to be and got up to finish my bags. I made 6 yesterday, now I just have to do the handles. Thankfully, I don't feel as tired today so I don't think I will need to try a nap again. I think Matea was tired too because she wasn't as active as she is known to be. Today she is already kicking up a storm.
Milo, my cat, likes to snuggle in the morning when I get up so I'll sit in the rocking chair and he'll sit on my belly. He starts to purr up a storm and I think Tea loves this because she kicks like crazy, either that or she is wondering what the heck is going on, what all the loud noise is from. I think it's cute that my kitties like to sit on my belly and give her taps of love. Though biting of the belly button can stop at anytime. Both of my cats do that.
Church was quiet this morning. Next week we switch to summer hours which will be fine with me since I am up at 7am anyways. Today was about the story of Abraham and Issac and how you have to trust and have faith in God. I read the story last night so I knew exactly what he was saying today (which is rare) I told God I trust him and have faith in him to guide us and comfort us through this time. I prayed that he would still give us a miracle baby though. It is so hard to hear the prayers of the people and hear our names. It is good we say a few prayers afterwords to give myself time to recompose, I always cry and my nose gets runny then I have to go to the bathroom to catch my breathe, I still wouldn't trade it for anything though. Being there gives me such a sense of peace.
We headed to the International Food Fest afterwords (after we stopped and saw Ty like we do every Sunday) and I got some Vietnamese food which was delicious and my husband got some Indian food (which was also delicious) Tea seemed to enjoy it. Ty went to all the festivals last year and we intend on giving Tea the same experience (she's very excited about Rib Fest). Ty also got to go to a concert (Dave Matthews) and on July 19th Tea will be listening to Josh Groban in concert. I know I am going to be a balling mess at his concert but his songs mean so much to me. They connect me with my children in Heaven. Ty's song is "Where You Are" by Josh Groban and I can't listen to it much or I'll break down but the words say and mean so much to me. I know Ty is still here with us in spirit, he gives us signs all the time. I do worry about how we will distinguish signs from Ty and Tea after she passes (unless we get our miracle baby) but then they are so different in their own ways I know they'll have special ways to show us.
Some Pictures from Today (n also added some more under her pictures)
Our yummy Vietnamese food
Two of the reasons I get up everyday
Boy hospital bag...just in case
Matea's hospital bag