Well I managed to sleep in today until 6am (but only because Stephens alarm went off) he owes me I was in the middle of a great dream. Jillian and Dolvet from Biggest Loser were training me, it was SUCH an awesome dream, one I did not want to wake up from but he had to be up and off early to head to Oshawa. Darn him! I don't like when I am having really good dreams and I get awoken from them...let me stay in dream land just a bit longer.
Also, remember that thing I mentioned I thought about on Sunday but couldn't remember...I remembered today! I don't remember exactly what was being said in church but it mad me think of Jacob and how respected he was. To see the love and care everyone who was around him had for him, his nurses, some of the doctors, the social worker, our priest, people who normally do show respect but the love they showed always makes me teary eyed. He may have only been here 2 1/2 days but he touched so many lives and for that so many people showed him the greatest respect and it is something I will never forget.
I'm crying just thinking about it, it meant so much to me, I mean the world to me that his nurse who was there when he passed away stayed past her shift to be with us, she was crying and hugging everyone too. The same one who sang to him while she was taking care of him. She showed him compassion, she showed us compassion and so much love for Jacob and I just can't describe how amazing of a feeling that was. Sure most nurses in the NICU probably have a bit more personality then the run of the mill nurses but his nurse went above and beyond what was expected and for that I am forever grateful to her. Everyone who saw him even after he passed away treated his cold little lifeless body with such respect, hugging him and kissing him, even after he was a few days passed. I will never forge the day of his funeral (which forgive me I think it was 7 days in between, he passed on the 7th and we had his funeral on the 14th, I could be wrong, I'm horrible with his funeral date, I know Ty's was October 22nd and I'm pretty sure Jacob's was September 14th) anyways, so seven days after he had passed and Stephen and I wanted to see him before we brought him into the sanctuary and our priest was there (the one that sadly moved to Edmonton but he will always be a part of our lives) he bent down, Jacob having been dead for 7 days and just as we finished saying good bye he leaned down and kissed him and it broke my heart, I mean in a good way. To show my son such respect and love and care means the world to me and it's something we didn't have with Ty.
It is just fitting to type this emotional sob fest of a blog today because on my way home I was so sad, it was one thing that led to another. I ordered a Groupon today for the Butterfly Conservatory in Cambridge and I was thinking about that and then the butterfly's made me think of Ty and I was thinking it'd be nice to go in the fall which made me think of the boys and fall and then I got sad and cried. It's just been an emotional afternoon since 4:30. Just another day I really miss the boys and the tears fall freely from my face.
But really, thinking of the people who showed Jacob so much respect, love and care, it hurts in a good way. It makes me sob, in a good way. It meant the world to me and still does, little moments others had with him, he did exist. He was loved by many and he touched many peoples lives. The guilt eats at me that we didn't get the same with Ty and there is no way to fix that then to remind myself we did what we could at the time (trust me, that doesn't do anything though) That's what it was though, something our new rector said that made me think about those times, in the NICU and at his funeral when my son was shown so much love and respect, more then some people see in a life time. There bittersweet memories but they are memories, more then we have with Ty and for that I am thankful. I am also incredibly thankful to everyone who showered him with love, songs, care, hugs, kisses and respect. And I better stop there before I repeat the words, love, respect and care anymore!