Something most do not tell you when you loose a child is that one of the changes in your life will be how much you feel emotions. I have dealt with a variety of emotions in my 28 years of existence anywhere from happy to sad to angry to frustrated and sure at the time those emotions felt real and raw but what I have learned in the last 18 months is that dealing with the loss of Ty and Jacob has lead me to actually FEEL my emotions. I don't think anyone can understand how to feel emotions until they deal with a tragic loss. When I feel emotions now, I feel them. I feel them in the depths of my soul. If I am sad, I feel it in my soul, the pain radiates throughout my body, it is now not only a feeling but a physical reaction. When I am happy I feel it in my soul. My body reacts to my feelings in a way I have never felt so much. In one sense this is a great feeling, if I am feeling loved, happy and positive then it puts me in a great mood, I can feel so much of it. However, if I am feeling sad and depressed, I really feel it. It sets me into hibernation mode.
Another thing people do not tell you is how much of a huger you become. I think it has to do with the emotions aspect and letting people know that you truly love and care about them via a meaningful embrace. I never use to be big on hugs but these days I welcome them. There is a special connection made when wrapped up in a hug. You could of course tell someone you care and love them but "actions speak louder than words" so go ahead and hug someone today. I have yet to meet a bereaved parent who does not welcome hugs (I'm sure there may be a few out there) but for the most part we welcome hugs. It is a sign to us that you do in fact deeply care about us and aren't afraid you may catch the "dead child" disease....as harsh as that may sound, I know there are people out there who feel if they are around us that means it is more likely their child will die. It's like being around someone who has cancer, yes they have a disease (though loosing a child is NOT a disease) but it is not contagious. Just because you are around Stephen or I does not mean your child will die, that the baby you are carrying will not make it. What makes that a possibility is 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss at any stage (miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death) it has nothing to do with us, you won't loose a baby because you were around us and we lost our boys...that's not how it works. So instead of stepping back like we have the bubonic plague, welcome us in a warm embrace. And for all you guys out there, hugging another guy is PERFECTLY OKAY! It takes a real man to show his emotions and a real man to hug another.
Now my daily house hunt update....we'll there isn't much of one. I had called yesterday to schedule a tour in a 2 bedroom upper apartment in Wortley Village (which is one of the areas we would be okay living in) but the landlord e-mailed me back today with the answers to the questions I asked him...we'll be cancelling that tour. The house has too many of the issues we have now, the stairs are outside (which we know is dangerous, especially come winter time) we do not have control over the heat (main floor does and I'm tired if being so cold all the time) and the people in the main unit smoke (we have that now and for Stephen and I who have bad allergies and asthma, the smoke coming up from downstairs is not good for our health) so I don't even want to go look at it. That being said, I know there will be something we have to give up and I don't know what on our wants and needs list it will be. I mean I REALLY love my bubble baths...they are one of the few things that relax me but for the perfect place that meets all of our other needs....can I sacrifice it for a year or two? I guess it will depend on what we find. I know the perfect place is out there, I toured it last year but it has been rented and I have no idea if those people intend on moving anytime soon and Stephen said I was crazy for wanting to leave them a note in their mailbox asking them to let me know (anyone else think that's crazy? I mean yeah it sounds crazy but it's harmless right?) We'll just have to keep looking. I think I do need to limit my looking though, maybe twice a day, it's exhausting when it's all I do right now all day long. I need to get a life outside the house, mainly because it is slowly killing me inside....I mean literally, it is to the point where I am now sick from it.
Speaking of sick...I plan on going to the doctors this week. I have had a very hard time breathing lately, using my inhaler about 2 or 3 times a day, my nose won't stop running, chest feels congested...I'm sure it's the house but hopefully she can give me something for it. I also will be getting pre-pregnancy blood work done, see where all my levels of EVERYTHING are at. I have noticed now that I am off my happy pills (which is going a lot better this time than the first despite having some very difficult things to deal with) that my energy has picked up slightly...still not there but better. I'm hoping once I get this house allergy taken care of that it picks up even more. I'm tired of being tired and I know Stephen is tired of hearing me complain that I am always tired. Maybe I am severely lacking in some kind of vitamin that is aiding to my sleepyness...we shall see! Or maybe it's still my thyroid...only my blood can tell.