I was pinning some recipes on Pinterest the other day, they seem to have a lot of pumpkin ones out now and I love pumpkin which is one reason I use to LOVE Fall. I know it's only summer but looking at all the pumpkin recipes got me thinking about Fall. It really use to be my absolute most favourite time of year. The crisp sunny air, apple picking, corn mazes, carving pumpkin and making pumpkin seeds, baking lots of delicious apple treats, apple cider, hot apple cider, the colour of the trees and the way the leaves crunch under your feet. It simply was something to look forward to. However, as excited as I was starting to get realizing fall will be here in a few short months, I was brought back to reality. The reality is, Fall will never be an easy season for us. It is the season we buried both of our boys, the season our hearts fell in love and were broken. The crisp sunny air reminds me of the day we lowered them into the ground instead of snuggling with them at home sipping on a hot cup of cider.
We tried apple picking last year but I was just not into it, I only did it because thats what we do that time of year. I have dreamed so many times of what Fall should have been like, how much I looked forward to dressing the boys up in their cute fall clothes and sticking them in the Snugli to go for a hike in Komoka. The reality is, I did that last year but instead of my child in my arms, I had a bear, the weight of my child the day he was born. The crisp sunny air stung my nose, perhaps due to the tears falling my my eyes. Apple picking was like a chore and no baked goods came out of last years bunch, we ended up giving most of them to the deer (shhhh, it's a secret) I can't say I'm looking forward to this Fall, with Jacobs one year only followed by Ty's 2 year 5 weeks apart, it''s be tough. I'm sure we'll go apple picking again and hopefully this year we'll get back out to a corn maze, but the truth it, Fall will never be the same. How can it be when that's when my boys birth and death days are? I can act all I want, put on the fake smile and bake away, but truth be told, as much as I use to love Fall, it is not something I look forward to anymore. Yet another fall passes by without being able to bundle a baby up on a cool crisp night and go for a refreshing walk, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get that chance.
Every time I see a picture of a pumpkin I get teary eyed, the weather the last few days has been cool but sunny, just like the fall. My favourite weather but weather that hurts my heart. Reminders are everywhere and summer just began. How do I try to get excited about my favourite time of the year when it's the same time of the year we buried our boys, 11 months apart. I had so many hopes and dreams 2 Falls ago but now my excitement and joy has been replaced with sorrow. I want to be able to look forward to the weather, all the fun fall activities I loved so much, I want more than anything to feel that again but the truth is, I don't think I ever will. There will always be a void and in between all the fall activities there are two birthdays and death days to recognize. Perhaps incorporating the two may make them a bit more manageable. I do know Thanksgiving will never be the same, it was the last day I really knew Ty was with us, it was his last meal, the last time I felt his strong sweet kicks, it was a Thanksgiving I felt so incredibly thankful for and last year, well, it sucked. I don't even remember cooking and I love Thanksgiving food, but my heart just wasn't there. Ty should have been able to eat some of the turkey and mashed potatoes. It will just never be the same.
My favourite time of year has forever been filled with sorrow for the rest of my days. I do hope there comes a time where I can enjoy some of the activities again but for right now, cool crisp sunny weather, pumpkins, apple picking, hay rides, corn mazes, once such fun events have been replaced with grief. There comes a time during the Fall for 6 weeks that my grief will consume me, during my favourite time of year I will be consumed with tears, pain and sorrow. It never will be the same, the joy will never fully be there, the hurt, the tears and the pain of knowing what is to come in a few short months sometimes is too much for me. Something I use to cherish, something I wanted so much to share with my family, have my mom knit us all matching apple picking sweaters, it'll never be the same.