We ended up going to see the fireworks last night, I didn't really want to go and I didn't really enjoy myself that much but I am glad I went. It was a nice night out but seeing all the little kids walk by really got to me. I just tried to ignore them and sat eating sunflower seeds. The fireworks weren't as great this year but my sunflowers seeds were delicious! I've kind of been in a funk lately and my mood proves it. I just feel like I'm falling off the deep end, I'm entering a slippery slope and I'm not coming out of it. There are very stressful things in my life, things I can't share but it seems that I will be able to in a few weeks and once you know the whole back story you will understand how much stress it has caused me. Of course there is also the whole EI issue (which a week later still have not heard from them but I can't call back until tomorrow) Let me tell you, I will not be pleased when I talk to them and they will know it. They better fix this issue the day I talk with them, I'm done dealing with there crap.
But there are other things as well. I guess I've just been thinking a lot about the goals, hopes and dreams we had two years ago. We had some money saved we were going to use for a down payment on a house and our goal was to move shortly after Ty was born. But then we lost him, we ended up having to bury him instead and that caused a whole long list of things that we had to compromise with to allow ourselves the time to grieve. Stephen and I both took off work for 4 months and I was the only one getting covered so we had to dip a bit into our savings but I went back to work 4 months later, pregnant again and starting to look towards the future. We were both working again at that point, we planned on saving even more and then getting a house when this baby was born. But then we learned this baby would not make it and we had to choose, did we continue to work and miss out on a lot of the things we wanted to do while we still had this baby, even if in utero or would I do the bed rest that was suggested to give Jacob the best chance. Its not easy to choose between spending every possible day with a baby you know will die and choosing to just live on missing out on so many opportunities to spend with this loved one that is not expected to live. In our hearts we knew we had to give up work, we knew we had to spend every moment we possibly could with Jacob while he was here, we knew I needed to rest and work on drinking at least a gallon of water every day to give him the only chance he had. We took a risk, we both left work and again, I was the only one getting most coverage. We blew threw our savings in the months we were off and our down payment for a house was spent on things to prepare us for Jacob, whether he survived or not we had to do everything we could to give him a chance and to give him a good life in utero. We watched our bank account and our dreams slip away month by month, we prayed it would be worth it that Jacob would recover and come home with us. It would be worth it in the end and even though he is in Heaven it was still worth it. We wouldn't change our decision for a second. We fought as hard as we could and even though it took a financial toll on us and our goals, hopes and dreams, those 2 1/2 days we had with him were a miracle and a blessing.
Our plan was to be in a house 1 1/2 ago but we are still in our apartment. It's changed, it had to change, I couldn't stand to look at the same things, I really needed to get away but we couldn't afford it so we made do with what we had. We are at rock bottom and our goal of getting into a house seems like a dream at this point. We have to start from ground zero and work our way up but the challenge now is I don't know if I can honestly work full time for a few years. I still struggle with so many things at home, I have no motivation, no self control over making sure things get done. I'm still trying to figure everything out and going back to work is a must but I don't know if it can be financially what we need it to be. We have had to make so many sacrifices in the last 2 years and in our hearts we would do them all over again, knowing the outcome still is no where near what we expected but it was worth it for our boys. I guess I've just been thinking about it a lot lately and realizing things will never come easy for us in our lives. Because of all we have been through we will have to continue to struggle and fight. Our goals are so distant and seem unattainable. We continue to make sacrifices to make sure we are both mentally and emotionally where we need to be. I think tall of this on top of all the added stress lately has just really set me back. I'm so thankful Stephen did manage to find a job and a good one. But that is only a small step towards our future. We have so much to sort out, so much to think about, so many tough decisions we still have to make, having a family seems impossible at the moment. We can't get approved for fostering or adopting where we live yet we can't afford to move so it's all on the back burner. We don't really have much to focus on now, it's hard to set goals because the ones we set we still haven't achieved and they seem to get further and further away. How do we keep on going, where do we find the motivation to keep trying no matter how much further our dreams and goals get pushed into the unknown?
I don't have the answer, we don't know where to go, every time we try to figure things out it always bites us in the ass. I think at this point we really need to meet with a financial adviser, at least they can be honest with us if getting into a house is ever going to be an option anytime soon or if we need to give up that goal and focus on other things, what I really have no idea but the goals we have aren't working so they need to be changed. I think my goal for today will simply be too stay awake all day, this depression has got me taking a lot of naps and I need to stay awake for at least a day. Maybe do some pinning, find some craft or something to do. It's just really hard to set small goals when the goals you really want are so big and require so much effort.
2 years ago we never thought we would end up where we are now. We were surely going to be in a house, raising a family. Stephen was going to leave his job at the call centre and find a more family career inspired job. I would go back to work full time to get benefits in case he didn't get them and we'd be okay. We'd have our little family in our own little house and we'd be set. But now, we have nothing, the only thing we have is a job for Stephen (but it does require him to travel and work long hours which is good for us at the moment financially) but other than that, we have nothing. We have each other and great friends and a loving family but as far as our goals go, we have yet to meet any of them and it really has gotten to me lately.
Last night was just a reminder of what should have been, our hopes, dreams and goals all right in front of us yet unreachable. Small steps...one foot in front of the other is all we can do. We need to readjust our goals and give up on the big ones because they won't be happening anytime soon if we do it alone. It's time for a change.