I find grieving is like wearing a pair of flip flops. It seems to alternate every day, sometimes every hour or even every minute. You flip to the calm, peaceful and accepting side but then flop into depression, sadness, anger and denial. It is a continual change between the two and they are very intertwined. Without the flip you could not have the flop and the other way around. When I am by myself I find the flop to be the worst. I sit and think about everything, it scares me to know what is coming. I get angry that this is happening to us again, at least this time we can prepare. I deny that this is happening, I choose not to acknowledge it because as far as I am concerned she is still alive and well. Then there are times where I am on the flip side, usually when I am around my husband because he has a positive and uplifting outlook on our situation and it puts me in a better mood. He's the one who taught me that Ty is always with us and showed me the ways Ty lets us know his presence. He has a very positive outlook on what is happening with Matea. So when I am around him and other people I feel peaceful and calm. Sometimes I get an overwhelming sense that everything will be alright. From the get go it seemed this pregnancy was meant to be and I have to hold onto that. I know the chances are very slim but I still think there is a very small chance and that is enough to keep me going. I've had dreams that have indicated everything would be fine and most of my dreams do have some truth to them. Speaking of dreams...
I had a dream the night before last about tornadoes and all the destruction it caused to my family and then last night I had a dream about the world ending.....my theroy...stop watching the news and reading the paper!
I went to visit Ty today and as I was leaving I asked him to watch over Matea and when I looked up, at first I thought I saw a cat, but it turned out to be a fox. I was surprised because it was 12pm when I saw it and bright out, they are usually dawn/dusk animals, it was a very nice surprise. So when I came home I looked up foxes and here's what I found: 1. The Welsh regard seeing one Fox as a good luck omen 2. Dispelling of negative situations 3. In Shamanism it is believed to be a sign of a good year. So maybe it means something, I like to think it does. I see it as a sign from my little boy, a gift, he knew I was having a hard day and he sent me a gift of seeing a fox in broad daylight. I've never seen a fox in the wild as close as this one came to me and I was not scared, it was actually very peaceful and he was so fuzzy and cute.
I'm having a hard time finding the perfect girlie bag to put all of Matea's stuff in to bring to the hospital. I still have to get a blanket and two soft stuffed animals as well as the hand/foot impressions kit and figure out what else we need to pack. I did pick up the Body Shop baby soap and lotion after having a dream that I went to get it and the Body Shop had turned into a candy store, so the next time I was at the mall I picked it up. I've decided to wait and bathe her until after she has passed so she doesn't have any time being cold or uncomfortable instead all she will know is love and warmth. Now it's time to start the birth plans. 4 to do and a lot of work on figuring out each one. We are doing two for stillborn - one for normal delivery and one for c-section and two for living birth - one for normal delivery and one for c-section. There is so much to think about for all of them. IKEA trip tomorrow, looking forward to getting some things to keep myself busy and my mind off of reality. Some days I just don't want to think about it, I rather enjoy her sweet little hiccups and kicks and pretend she will be fine. As of right now she is and I want to continue believing that. I'll take the fox as a good sign, a sign from Ty that things may be okay, that we may have some luck.