Let me begin by saying, don't ever say to a woman who has had a loss "You can always try again". This statement is a stab to the heart for a few reasons. One, we don't care if we can get pregnant again, that baby is a new baby, it doesn't replace the baby we lost and more importantly, two, some people cannot get pregnant again. I've mentioned a few times that there is more going on than I can mention but since I have an understanding of what is going on now I will share the next struggle we now have to face.
I write this blog with a very heavy heart and many tears of frustration, anger, sadness and hopelessness.
Not only have we dealt with the loss of our two boys but now we get to struggle through infertility. We can't currently get pregnant, we can't currently try again because if we do, nothing will happen. I told you we never get a break and this just adds to the huge amount of stress I am now under (and no my infertility has nothing to do with stress, it's my body) For the last 5 months I have been charting my cycles. I have charted for years and before both of the boys I have never had a problem. I was recently diagnosed with LPD (Luteal Phase Defect) For those who do not know what this is, the time between when I ovulate and my cycle begins needs to be at least above 10, preferably 12 days, in order for a pregnancy to hold. If it is less (a defect) you cannot get pregnant. Well you can get pregnant but you will continue to have early miscarriages. My phases have been between 5 and 9 with the last being 7. I am currently not able to get pregnant. I cannot even begin to describe all the emotions I have gone through the last month knowing what was coming. I'm not dumb, I knew this was a problem, I chart I know. The hard part was hearing it, hearing the doctor say it and knowing that meant we have many hurdles ahead. I have done a tremendous amount of research and asked many opinions to others who have it. The treatment (this is the part which is not so bad, I know what's wrong therefore I can be treated) varies seemingly doctor to doctor. Some doctors prescribe progesterone to take all the time, some prescribe to take a few days after ovulation (which is easy for me since I chart) and some use clomid. The issue with clomid is it increases the chance of having multiples, not that we wouldn't be greatful for having two lives join us at once but that's double the financial responsibility of having a child all at once with no time to plan.
Now this may sound like it's not that bad because it is treatable. Let me assure you, this still does not work for all women. Some women do not respond well to the treatment and have further infertility problems. The other thing is the monitoring. Just to get pregnant involves a lot of ultrasounds and blood tests, thankfully all covered by OHIP. The huge problem for us though, clomid and progesterone are not considered "needed drugs" according to the OHIP drug coverage protocol so this leaves us SOL when it comes to having to pay out of pocket for infertility medication and let me tell you, it's not cheap. So not only do we suffer emotionally from this new struggle but we continue to struggle financially.
The other struggle, finding a doctor who will treat us and not in the required one year wait. Most places do not treat unless you haven't been able to conceive in a year. Under normal circumstances that's fine but we're not under that category. We have had two losses and are aching to bring a child home. We also know what is wrong, what needs to be fixed. I spoke with my GP today, she can't treat it so she said to call my OB. I called my OB and normally I wouldn't have any issues because her secretary V knows us well and fits us in quickly but she is off on Mat leave so I spoke to a woman who has no clue. She has never worked in this department and doesn't even know our OB. I didn't get very far with her. They aren't booking until October (cue the tears and trying to explain our situation to her) but she was able to get me an appointment in July (that's still months away just to get in and see her, that doesn't include the months of tests it takes) We also have to have our GP fax over a request and I don't think she will. Not for a few more months. I tried explaining that they aren't booking for awhile so if I could at least get referred now and then cancel if things turn out better for us (I don't forsee that happening though, once you have LPD it doesn't correct itself) I called our High Risk OB, waiting to hear back from his secretary tomorrow to see if he can help at all, even so, I'm sure we will not be able to get in to see him until end of May or June anyways. But we'll find out tomorrow.
Regardless, it will be a few months before we can even get in to see someone about this problem and a few more months undergoing tests and an incredible amount of emotional and financial stress. Our journey to bring a baby home continues to be a challenge and an ever long lasting one at that. Adoption is out of the question at this point. We will not qualify for our homestudy (our house is not up to code and we have no control over fixing it so that wouldn't be able to happen for another 2-3 years and even then, adoption is not guaranteed and it can take years for private adoptions, add the risk of the mother, father or grandparents changing their mind and we still risk heartache)
I am so incredibly tired, I have run out of hope. I can't say that I really have any faith left either. All I care about is being good so I can see my boys again one day. I never in a million years would have imagined how hard it would be to bring a baby home. Something I have always wanted, something we want so desperately, another obstacle has been thrown our way. I have no idea where to go from here. I don't even know if we want to bother with the stress of infertility. I wish there was an easy solution, I was there was a magic pill but there is not. Our next step is going to see a doctor about it. We'll start with the OB and go from there and pray that my high risk OB can help us and we can get in soon. We've waited long enough for a baby, I don't want the struggle to continue.
I also have Lipoma. Lipoma is (usually) a harmless fatty tumor. If it gets bigger or hardens then it will have to be removed but for the time being it sits (this was the fluid sack on my lower back I was talking about)