Today is a day I feel like giving up, I feel like crawling back in bed and staying there for days. I am trying so hard to piece together some sort of life, I don't know how to live on after the loss of Ty and Jacob. Some people may not see them as children but they are MY children. They lived inside me, they kicked, they turned, Jacob cried, he squinted, he held his daddy's finger. They are our children and now they are buried in the ground. How do I even begin to try to sort life out? I am trying my hardest, I get up every day and shower but that's the extent of my ability to function. So many people say "God doesn't give you more then you can handle" Well sorry to tell you but that's a load of BS. He has given me more then I can handle. Week after week he keeps giving me shit to deal with when I am trying my very best to just get up every morning but he keeps sending me things to get me down again. Some people may not realize it takes me a while to be able to digest any kind of information. Within the last month I have been bombarded with a ton of information that keeps knocking me back down. Just when I think I made step in the right direction....I get knocked back down.
I am really ready for a break. I want good things to keep happening and please don't say "you have a lot of good things in life to be thankful for" trust me I know I am blessed but I also have a lot of shit in my life. The last year has been nothing but bad things.....and don't make me say again, yes I know my husband and I got married and Jacob lived for two days, we have a roof over our head etc.....you know what else happened. We had to pick out a plot for Ty, we had to pick out a plot for Jacob. Instead of planning Ty's 1st birthday and Jacob's baby shower I was designing headstones, I was planning funerals. Instead of looking into their eyes everyday I stare at the blank cold ground that their bodies lie underneath. I don't cry tears of happiness or laugh uncontrollably at something cute they did instead I cry at the fact I will never get to see them do anything. I'll never have first birthdays, days at school, graduations, marriages, colleges and grandkids. I try everyday to piece my life back together but it is no easy task. It seems to be getting harder with each coming day but with each coming day means I am one day closer to seeing my boys again. How do I live on when all I want to do is hold them, touch them, smell them, kiss their little feet? There have been small good things in my life in the last year but two of the most tragic and biggest events in someones life have also happened to me. I am ready for a break, I need a break from all the bad. I need the good to help me get through. All I can do is pray and see what comes our way but it isn't easy and in the meantime all I can do is breathe. It is the only thing keeping me alive right now...something Ty never got to feel and something that Jacob struggled so hard at and ultimately took his life. Who ever knew breathing was so important.
Today can go away, I know tomorrow won't bring about a better day, I know the next month won't bring about any good days and well next year.....it will not be rung in on a good note. All I can do is pray that 2012 becomes a better year for us. We have a lot we want and I hope we get a break and get some of those things. But I already know January is going to be a tough month. My best friend whom Stephen has also grown so close to leaves for England on her two year journey to become a lawyer. I knew it was coming, she had been applying and I am happy she got in and can get her life going and settled into what she wants to do. I also know that means once she becomes a lawyer I'll become a Law Clerk so that will be exciting. It is something her and I have planned for two years (we met two years ago) and it is something I look forward to but England is so far away. No more lunch dates at Abruzzi or Prince Al's no more Dragon Gate dates. She'll miss us bringing home our baby (whatever way that may be) no more games night in the hospital (if I do become pregnant we will be in the hospital the last few weeks, this we already know) no anti-whatever holiday parties, no more pot luck lunches, no more sweet treats from Starbucks or salt water taffy. No more stress of work sessions, no house warming party......she was with us through it all, she was there after we lost Ty and was there for us all the way through Jacob's journey. She has become a very close part of our family. She is one of the only people who talk to me about the boys. She has shared so much of our lives it'll be hard to see her go...but then I think about two years. I think of how much my life will change in two years. Stephen and I will be moving (we just don't know where but it will not be here) we'll (praying to GOD) bring home a baby, Stephen will be working full time and I...well, that's to be discovered at a later point in time. When she is back and practicing as a lawyer I'll be there right by her side (if she comes back to London, remember D, you can always get a summer home back in Brighton) I will miss her dearly and I just want you to know (because I am sure you still read this because you rock like that) I love you and will miss you so much but I look forward to the years ahead of us and wish you all the best luck in England. I don't really know what there known for...but mail me some yummies.
The last year has been so hard and I continue to get dealt with big blows but such is life right? I only pray I can make it through and come out where the grass is greener. I only pray that God answers some of our bigger prayers next year (or some by the end of this year would be nice) but I must sit and wait and deal. There are many days of tears ahead.....I feel the strength is running out. Thank God I have my sewing to keep me busy and give us some extra income while I am off work. Sigh........if only.....