Before I write this blog, I need to call the insurance company to make sure the title is still appropriate. Okay, were all good on that front thankfully. It is nice to know we don't have to worry about finances or the added stress of figuring that all out. I am very thankful for that and how flexible my work has been.
So today....we got to see our sweet little girl today...or is she really a girl? When they told us a few weeks ago they said she was a "probable female" but today my husband and I thought we saw "boy parts" our Dr. didn't say anything but we'll be able to keep checking. I think just to be safe we'll get boy things as well. We also need to pick out a boy name. Hopefully we can find out for sure before we deliver but if not we will be prepared for both and save whatever we have for another baby. We love you no matter what you are...we'll keep calling you Matea until we know otherwise. Maybe daddy and I are just crazy.
I am happy we are sticking with the high risk doctor. I am warming up to him, I just think I hate all medical things right now so I was a little biased but he is a nice guy who is a bit compassionate, he said he would support us but if my life is in danger due to placenta previa they would push to deliver, which we understand and I am glad he's going to be watching that to give us our options in case we need to change our mind. We'll be seeing him every 2-3 weeks and at every appointment he will do a quick ultrasound right there for us and we get pictures every time. So this is a huge plus going to see him over our regular OB. Plus I don't want to make our regular OB uncomfortable in having to deal with a high risk case when she isn't use to that and I completley understand. It was nice of him to mention today that he will support our decision but my health is in his best interest because our baby will not survive and I understand that, or am starting too.
We have a picture, still no fluid but I am going to keep on drinking my gallon a day. He explained a lot of things and answered our questions in depth. He is very knowledgeable and didn't rush us.
I am so thankful we got to see our sweet baby today, even though it was hard because of the lack of fluid we still were able to see a few things and we got a picture (post will come once I'm not too lazy to scan it) I am also happy to know we will get a picture at every check up and get to see her grow. This really made my day. I got teary eyed but it was an odd feeling, almost happiness that we got to see her (unexpectedly) and have a new picture of her (or him...again not sure anymore, hopefully we'll know soon)
The only downfall about the appointments is that I am very nervous to the point I get so naseous and anxious because I know she can be stillborn and going in every time and not knowing if she has a heartbeat anymore terrifies me. She does kick a lot though and we know she's kicking because we were able to tell what position she is in (breech) and her little feet are down where I feel the most movement. She has moved since last time, she moved from being sideways to being breech. I love knowing where her little head is now so when can talk to her and whisper sweet loves into her ears. So many things have made me smile today, minus the heat. I am glad my husband put the AC in yesterday. Being pregnant in this heat...not fun.
I think the nurse at the genetics place was having a bad day Monday because she called today twice and she was much more friendly. They reschedule our appointment for Friday...very nervous about these appointments. In one sense I want something to be wrong, I want an answer to why this has happened twice, why we are about to bury our second child, but in another sense if something is wrong...well we'll deal with it then and have plans for the future but it's a scary thought. I don't know what it involves, we've had our blood done and I refuse an amnio, though I'm not sure they can do an amnio with no fluid...But I don't know what to expect which is scary and then what they may tell us. We are meeting with two people so it's a pretty big thing.
Today is the first day I have not had a headache in more then a few days...yahh...I have to say today, even though we know Tea still has no fluid and things aren't looking good but we did get to see our little girl...or boy..and we have a new picture and we had a lot of questions answered, though there are still a million more, today has been an okay day. Tomorrow we are going out of town for the day, I am very very nervous about this. I am worried that if we go away something will happen and if I have to deliver we won't have any of her things. I guess I can just always bring her hospital bag with us. It would just be a lot more then I think I could deal with so I hope she is okay for tomorrow and for another 13 weeks at that. I also hope my placenta decides to travel a bit further north.
I am incredibly touched by how much people are reaching out to us and for all the things people are doing in helping us remember Ty and preparing for Matea, I could not ask for better support and I pray one day I am able to return the favour and help other women through the same situations. We do not have a perinatal hospice program in London and the perinatal program at the hospital is lacking, I have every intention to change that. I feel after loosing Ty I already have a wealth of knowledge to help others and now choosing to carry Tea, I feel I am learning even more to help other families through perinatal loss. I just hope the hospital is willing to accommodate better standards and protocol to help families and I will push until they do so. No family should have to go through the loss of an infant, but if they do I want them to have the best experience possible, given the situation.
Two more weeks until we get to see our Sweet Pea again, regular ultrasound and a 3d/4d. 23 weeks and counting....