I simply cannot believe 2011 is almost over. This year has gone by in one sense, extremely fast, though at times it was the also slowest. The year started off with such good news, hope after such tragedy. A Positive pregnancy test to start it off and a roller coaster of a year. The first few months were great. We had become pregnant again and this pregnancy was a breeze, I didn't have morning sickness, I had lots of energy, I was terrified yet a bit excited. Things were looking up, ultrasound after ultrasound (the first 4) went without any problems, we saw Jacob's heartbeat early on, we heard it early on, we grew to let go of the fear and learn to love. Then 2011 turned into the second worst year. Hearing the words "your baby is incompatible with life" it all went down hill from there with a wonderful wedding somewhere in all of that mess. A day to celebrate as it was the only thing to celebrate, the love Stephen and I have that no boundaries can break. We picked May 20th, the same day as my parents, in hopes that the date would bring us as much luck and love. It was a day that went by so quickly but was filled with so much love and laughter. A day I will always treasure. After our wedding is when the journey with Jacob began, we had to make sure we were prepared. We had to make sure we were setting everything up for his hello and goodbye. We found hope a long the way with the growth of kidneys and accumulation of fluid, we were told his prognosis changed to "we don't know, it's a wait and see situation now". We waited, we enjoyed every minute we had with him. We documented all our trips, his kicks and hiccups and spent the last month of his life with me being in the hospital, away from my home. He was born and we spent two loving, heartbreaking days with him and a week later we buried our second son, right next to our first. The last few months after Jacob's passing have been a blur. I can't believe next week will be 4 months since he was gone. It has flown by in one sense, not really being in the moment it has all meshed together. My memory, concentration and focus are gone. We are trying to deal with the financial loss we have incurred over the last year. We are trying to plan for the future but we know we are not in control of the plans for us.
We are trying to think about our next steps and how to achieve them when we have no energy or hope. We are contemplating huge decisions and it's scary. I sit here thinking back a year and feeling the same feelings, this time its doubled. This time I have guilt for not equally splitting my grief between both boys. I have guilt over the fact I have done things for Ty but not Jacob and done things for Jacob but not Ty. I have even less hope then last year, even more doubt, worry and bills that have piled up. Last year I had hope that 2011 would be our year but it wasn't. Now I wonder if 2012 will be or if we will be stuck here, burying another child, worrying about finances like we did all throughout 2011. Or will it be our year, will we accomplish our goals...will we finally be able to see some sunshine in our life? 2011 was such an emotional roller coaster with all the ups and downs with Jacob and having to deal with burying yet another child, our second son. We again, went to the hospital delivered a baby and came home empty handed. We again made all the plans for a funeral and designed another headstone. We again took down the baby items and put away the clothes without them being used. We again started counseling to deal with such a loss. We again held our heads high and put on a fake smile when we were breaking to pieces inside. We again reply to "how are you doing" with "we're okay, hanging in" when I really want to say "horrible" but don't want to burden others with our problems. We again dealt with the hope of moving but can't seem to find any place. We again deal with having to answer "what happened" and have no real answers. We again have to deal with "are you going to try again". We again have to deal with planning another year of firsts for Jacob along with a second year of Ty's. We again have to go through the emotional turmoil any way of bringing home a child will bring. We again have to wonder if we will ever hear the words "mommy or daddy". 2011 was a bunch of repeats I wish I never had to repeat and I can only wonder if 2012 will be a better year.
We have goals. I said since it was 2012 we should set a list of 12 goals......here's what we have so far:
1. Stephen to get a permanent job with benefits
2. Me to figure out and deal with going back to work
3. For us to pay off some debt (this one will be very tricky if we hit any more bumps in the road, we'll just be further set back once again)
4. Move into a house (or a bigger apartment but we have our hearts set on somehow getting into a house)
5. Continue to change our lifestyle to a more healthy lifestyle, less meat, local products, natural products, loosing more weight and getting on a better routine
6. Bringing a child into our lives somehow
7. No matter how little we have I believe it is always still very important to give to those with less
8. Become more involved in our church
9. Finally go on our honeymoon (if we can afford it, even a night in Niagara Falls)
10. Continue to find the new "us" and for each of us to find our new self
11. Continue to look at the positives in every situation, even as hard as it is sometimes
12. For me to continue and grow my sewing business and learn how to sew and make new things to sell to help raise money for Memory Ty's
I think it's a pretty good list. Nothing on that list is too unrealistic (well maybe #4, getting into a house will require a lot of which we have little so that one will be tough) but everything else I think we can accomplish. I just hope and pray with ALL my heart I do not sit here a year from now writing about burying a third child and still being stuck, with even more bills and problems. I pray I can not write due to my arms being filled with a little one and not having time to write because we have somehow been blessed with getting into a house and we're so busy celebrating a great year....I can only pray and ask for prayers and try to find energy to get some of the 12 goals accomplished.