As I laid awake last night I thought how much grief is similar to a flower. You start with a raw seed, you plant it deep within the depths of the earth. You nourish it, you tend to it, you care for it, you feed it. You pour your heart and soul out into making it grow. It sometimes takes weeks, months or even years for that flower to grow and you continue to pour your heart into it. In the end when the flower finally blooms you can step back and see the beauty you created. You took something raw and turned it into something beautiful. Grow with your grief, make it something beautiful, it may take weeks, months or years but you too can pour your heart into making it grow into something wonderful.
Today is Stephen's birthday. A day where I have to try my hardest to be strong for him. He gives me every other day of the year (well most) and today I need to do it for him. It's very hard to be strong for someone else when I feel so weak myself. How do I support him when he starts to get teary eyed and seeing that break my heart, it is a gut wrenching pain to see him hurt, and then I loose it? I was able to be strong for him last year after loosing Ty when he needed me to be, but this time around, it feels impossible. It hurts me so much to see him in so much pain. It hurts me so much to see him be so wonderfully caring and kind and loving to our friends kids. To see him play with them and love on them....he should be doing that with Ty and Jacob. He wants so badly to be able to father his children and it kills me that he can't. I can only pray God gives us that chance one day. Today we are not celebrating happy times, but rather today I celebrate him. I celebrate a man who 28 years ago today was placed on this earth by God and for that I am so thankful and blessed. A man that almost 6 months ago became my husband. A man who means so much to me, he is my rock. A man I would be lost without. A man that I look forward to spending the rest of my life with. A man who is an amazing father to his angels in Heaven. A man who is so strong and smart. A man who has so much to offer the world. Thank you God for blessing me with Stephen. Today we celebrate the love we have, our relationship, our future. Today will be a day of many tears from both of us. I don't know if it will ever get better....all I can do is keep praying....really praying for this certain opportunity to work out, won't know until at least next week.....another day down.