I've been very emotional the last few days, my social worker managed to break my boundary walls down and got me to cry, though I think I really needed it. I just have so many emotions all at once that I can't feel much, if that makes sense. I feel horribly guilty for not having done much for Jacobs first birthday and I know we can do things for him anytime but it still doesn't lessen the guilt. I know I'll always feel some level of guilt when it comes to most things with the boys but lately it has been hard. I just do not feel like we are honoring them well.
So many people have all these things they do to remember their babies by: balloon releases, certain holiday things, birthday things, fundraisers etc and yet we don't do much of anything. To be honest we are both so emotionally exhausted but not only that, when it comes to holidays, right now we don't even celebrate so we haven't even been able to establish certain holiday memories. I know we will get there one day but the guilt is so horrible in the meantime. I want to do things for the boys but I'm so tired. It's so hard to do much these days. But even then, the guilt eats away at me.