One year ago Stephen and I became parents. One year ago we said Hello and Goodbye to our first born. One year ago we held Ty for the first and last time. One year ago we picked out a small casket and buried our son. One year ago we set up and took down the crib. One year ago we installed and uninstalled the car seat. One year ago we had innocence and lost it all. One year ago my parents became grandparents. One year ago my brother became an uncle, to a nephew he would never meet. One year ago we left the hospital after delivering our little boy without him, empty handed. One year ago Stephen and I came home to an house full of anticipation but all we brought were tears.....One year ago....wow
Being pregnant with Ty was our first pregnancy, we had no idea what we were in for and boy were we in for it. I had a slight suspicion around the end of February that I may be pregnant. Things just weren't adding up, I had been nauseous for a few days, I was beyond exhausted (I slept through the 3rd period of the gold medal hockey game Canada V. USA which I would have never done) I hadn't had my migraine, I didn't have an appetite (and for all who know me, you know that is unusual, I like to eat!) but mother nature also had not visited. We bought an at home pregnancy test on Sunday evening and were a bit shocked to see the little two pink lines. It didn't really set in until Tuesday at the doctors office when they confirmed I was indeed pregnant. I didn't know they would give me the results that day so Stephen didn't come with me. I went out to the mall and bought a onesie that said "Born in 2010" and a book called "I love Daddy" and as Stephen walked in the door I handed him the gift bag I had put it in. He already knew before he opened it what it meant (I'm not the best at keeping secrets) We cried and hugged and talked about what that meant. Ty was a surprise to us and one of the best surprises EVER! WE embraced the fact we were going to be parents. As the months went on so did the side effects of being pregnant. From week 4 through week 25 I had horrible morning sickness and by morning I mean all day. I actually lost weight during the first twelve weeks, I could barely eat anything and all I had a craving for was fruits and veggies (not a bad craving) in fact the entire time I was pregnant with Ty all I really ever wanted to eat was fruits and veggies, everything else turned my stomach, meat, cheese, sweets, if it was grown on a tree or in the ground it was not going in my stomach. Having said that there is one veggie I will never be able to eat thanks to Ty, sweet potatoes. I had just gotten into liking sweet potatoes two years before having Ty but one night, I'd say around 4 months, I had made mashed sweet potatoes for dinner, a big pot of them, and not more then an hour after I ate the entire pot did they violently make there way back up. I have never eaten a sweet potato since and don't expect to since thinking of them brings me back to that horrible night of toilet hugging. In addition to all day sickness I had headaches, backaches, horrible acne, really bad swelling of my feet and ankles, leg cramps, sleepless nights, some stretch marks, spider veins, extreme exhaustion...you name all the none life threatening things a pregnant woman experiences, I had it with Ty. The months went by and we got to hear Ty's heartbeat for the first time in April, we got to first see Ty in May, we found out he was a Ty in June (GG and Poppa were there and we got a blue cookie). I had a very strong feeling he was a boy, I knew in my heart he was. He was an active little guy but he never interrupted my sleep. He use to kick like crazy, mostly in the afternoon or the early evening, he surely was not a morning person. We had his first baby shower at the end of July in Michigan at GG's house, his second, at the end of August at Aunt Jenn's house. We set up his "nursery" which happened to also be our hallway. I painted some bright pictures to match his nursery room decor, bright colours thanks to IKEA. GG painted his white dresser to match his white crib. We set up his bassinet right beside our bed so he would be nice and close. We took prenatal classes, a class on becoming a family and a breastfeeding class. We went to a car seat safety check clinic to make sure his ride would be safe. We had everything set and ready to go. We took Ty to hear Dave Matthews, we took him to the fireworks (which he was not a fan of), where ever we went he was with us. I made sure to eat (well as much as my stomach would let me) different foods so he would have a wide taste palate. I took pictures of my growing belly, which at it's biggest was 42 inches. At my 35 week check up Ty was still in a breech position and it was discussed that he may likely have to be a c-section if he never turned so for the next week I did everything to try and get him to turn but at my 36 week checkup he was still head up. That was the last time we heard his heartbeat. That was the last time we knew he was with us. The weekend after the 36 week checkup was Thanksgiving. I started to notice his movements weren't as strong but everyone (including the doctor) had told me, babies slow down at the end so it was normal. What I would give to go back and just go to the hospital to make sure everything was alright, maybe he would be here and instead of planning a grave side birthday ceremony I would be planning his first birthday. We had scheduled an inversion for October 14th to see if we could get him to turn head down. October 14th came and we decided we would wait and see if he would turn on his own, little did we know he did and it caused him to pass away. The afternoon of the inversion we went for my 37 week checkup and that's when our world came crashing down. Our Dr could not find his heartbeat and that is when we learned that pregnancy has no innocence. We waited until they could get us into a birthing room and headed down once opened. They induced me and for the next 12 hours I prepared to meet our little boy and send him to Heaven. He was born at 5:47am and was already in Heaven when he was born. He was a tiny guy at 4lbs 7ozs. He was perfectly formed, he had my nose and Stephens lips. We held him, kissed him and said Goodbye. One year ago....
I took a big leap yesterday and posted Ty's picture on facebook. It isn't posted anywhere other then here and not a lot of people have seen it but I felt since it was his birthday I wanted to share him with everyone. I don't want him to be hidden. It may be hard for some people to look at but that's my little boy, that's my first born son and he is as much my baby as anyone's baby. I hide him last year because I was embarrassed that I had a stillborn. You don't hear of people having stillborn babies in 2010 but the sad thing is, there are so many. Loosing a baby is such a taboo subject to talk about and that leaves the families who go through it in the dark. I imagine it's hard for people to talk about but how do you think the people who have to go through it feel? A heck of a lot worse. I reached out and found others like me, we connected. I started to feel better about what happened. I accepted Ty's death and knew I was not alone in having a stillborn. I will hide his face no longer, he is my little boy and as any mother would proudly display pictures of their children I will to. If you come to our house there are pictures everywhere, if it makes you uncomfortable I am sorry but live with it because what we have to live with is a lot worse then what you may feel looking at a picture. He will no longer be hidden. I am proud of him.
So far on Ty's birthday we haven't done much. We wanted to go up to the Pinery and go hiking but the weather squashed that out. Not only is it rainy but cold and windy, not a good day to go hiking so we have to decide where to go and do something inside. I set my alarm for 5:47am and got up when it went off. I looked out the window up at the sky and blew him a kiss, I then got out of bed and held a picture of him and sang Happy Birthday. The last day has been so tough, I kept thinking, one year ago today this and that were happening and now that is over. There are no more firsts, there are only seconds with Ty (unfortunately we still have all the firsts with Jacob again) but it has been a year. A whole year.....I cannot believe it. I wish we had family and friends coming over today to celebrate Ty's 1st birthday, he'd had a special outfit and hat (if he would keep it on) and everyone would be excited that he was getting so big. The house would be filled with warmth, laughter and a bunch of presents. The cheesecake and small finger foods I would make would be out on the table ready for everyone to enjoy. I would have prepared everything yesterday so today all I had to do was enjoy the sights of my little boy playing with all his friends. He would sit in his highchair and probably be terrified at us singing Happy Birthday to him. He would take his first bit of cheesecake and throw half of it on the floor but we wouldn't care because he was here. Instead, we have to bundle up and face this gross weather to go see him at his grave, we can't even release balloons it's too icky out, we'll have to do it another day. There's not much left we can do other than stay in and drink hot chocolate. I guess the weather really suits our mood. We're off to visit Ty and then go out to buy him a present and since the weather is so crappy we'll probably come home and laze like we do everyday. I may work on his scrapbook or try to convert his video to post.....and we'll leave the hiking to a nicer day. One year ago.....
Not a day goes by where I don't think of Ty, where my heart doesn't ache to hold him in my arms again. I close my eyes and I can still perfectly remember how beautiful he was, how much he really was a combination of Stephen and I. I hold his hat and smell his smell...I look at this footprints on my wrist, like he is always with me walking along carry me with his wings. I miss him so much and I always will. He is our first born son and a big brother and those he will always be. I hope Jacob planned a great big birthday for him in Heaven, we told him to make sure to get all the best gifts! We miss him so much....my heart aches so much...the tears fall freely....one year ago, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Angel Ty. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo