Tomorrow marks one year since Jacob graced us with his presence for 2 1/2 precious days. What do I have planned? Absolutely nothing. Do I feel horribly tremendously guilty? Yup sure do but to be honest my heart simply cannot deal with this. We spent a quiet day together on Ty's birthday and we will do the same tomorrow. Had I had the day off of work yes we would have done something more but I think we'll save it for Saturday. I still want to buy him a present, get him a cake and some birthday balloons but nothing much more then that (just as Ty's was) the only difference, I won't be making Jacob's cake this year. It'll have to wait but we are still going to get a carrot cake from somewhere.
I am just beyond exhausted. Working 37.5 hours a week, being 19 weeks pregnant and having a horrendous time dealing with heavy emotions in regards to the boys dying and with Milo sick lately and no sleep, I just can't do it. I feel like a piece of shit but I know Jacob understands. I know Jacob knows I have done so much in memory of him that it doesn't matter when I do it. But to do anything tomorrow having to be at work tomorrow and the day after is just too much. I had planned on taking all 3 days off but realistically just starting a new job it was not an option. I'm already missing enough time with Dr's appointments. We will celebrate on Saturday, not his real birth or death day but that is the only time I can solely focus on him and I want him to have that.
I don't even dare let me mind wander back to a year ago or look at the pictures until the weekend, I don't need to have a mental breakdown at work...speaking of mental breakdowns though...
I FINALLY got my friggin EI letter in the mail. It only took 4 months and a complete meltdown in the middle of Home Depot but it is here. Stephen laughed at me and said I was the only person in the world that was excited to get a letter from the government to pay them $8000. I told him after a huge battle and losing it at Home Depot it was worth it. However, I know this is not the end, I know if I get to apply for Mat leave and need to borrow hours from before it's going to be another battle, another nightmare. I can only pray I do not have to leave work before the beginning of December so I can get a new fresh set of 600 hours in and not even have to deal with any of this.
But back to Jacob. Tomorrow at 11:19am is when he made his appearance into this world. You can read all about his birthday and living days followed by his death days under his tab up above (birth story) I know when I have some quiet time this weekend I will and I'll look back at pictures and videos because to me it still doesn't seem like it really happened. How could that healthy pink crying little boy in those pictures also be the same one that got so swollen and lifeless at the end...it doesn't connect for me.
Maybe one year I will get around to planning something special for him but this year my heart just can't take it. I still love him so much, as I do Ty as well but I can't do it. Something small and nice on Saturday is all I can manage.
Happy Birthday Sweet Pea! Your our Sunshine <3