1st off, Happy father's day to two of the best dads I know, mine of course and my husband. I have never met two more loving, caring, kind father's and I am so thankful I get to have them both in my life, my children are truly blessed. May God continue to bless, love, guide and protect you as you continue to set good examples to your children. I also wanted to say Thanks to Ty for letting us see a new baby deer today. It was a nice Father’s day present for his daddy and a nice treat for his mommy to see the new cute baby deer.
When we first found out we were pregnant with Matea I had a very hard time connecting or feeling anything. I was so afraid of loosing her, I didn't want to get my hopes up. I guess I thought I wouldn't be affected if we did loose her but boy was I wrong. The day we found out that we were going to loose her (May 2nd) is the day I started to feel so much love for her and my love continues to grow each day, just like it did with Ty. I love her so much and wish and pray she would be allowed to stay with us on Earth and not join her big brother in Heaven. I feel so much for her, sadness, fear, love, happiness, excitement, everything. I am scared for her, to loose her but I cannot wait to meet her and hopefully hear her cry and see her open her eyes. I pray God gives us that much if he decides not to perform a miracle. I was silly to think that I would not feel anything for my baby, I feel so much love for her, I love her sweet little kicks and hiccups. I guess as much as I wanted to protect my heart it was just not going to happen. There is so much love between her and I, we share so many wonderful moments and memories.
I find it interesting how different this pregnancy is from my pregnancy with Ty. I know people say every pregnancy is different but they have been completely opposite, minus the gallbladder issues but my sweet girl is worth the physical pain. She has such a different personality then Ty did. Matea is very active in the morning and at night, Ty was most active during the day. Ty only loved veggies and fruit, he did not like meat or sweets or anything else really. Matea only loves sweets and meats, she's not a fan of fruits or veggies and the ones that she is are opposite of Ty. She likes kiwi, cherries, nectarines and rhubarb and as far as veggies, pretty much nothing. She will tolerate the occasional roasted on the BBQ grilled veggies or mashed potatoes or a baked potato (not sweet though, Ty made those impossible to eat) She does really like homemade apple sauce though and queso of course but she is NOT a fan of hummus. I love how both of them are so different. I love both my son and daughter so much, even if they are in Heaven, I love them so much and will never forget them. They have given us so much.
Church today was okay. Our new Priest started so it was a bit quieter and I think because of summer vacation attendance is generally lower anyways. I felt strong today though, my goal was to stay until the end of service and pray like I use to. I haven’t been able to since learning about Matea. But I had the strength today and stayed afterwards and we even said Hi to some people. It’s all about the little steps. During the prayers of the people they mentioned us (as they will every week) and it’s still hard to hear it but not only that, there are so many other children who are sick it was a bit heartbreaking. After they were done I popped down to the bathroom for a few minutes to gather my thoughts and compose myself. We went to visit Ty after like we do every Sunday. It’s a bit easier going back now, I don’t think about Matea being right next to him like I did the first few times. Right now it’s just him, him and I when we are there and Matea is still a live for the time being. Our church needs a new highchair (I’ve always thought this) so we are going to donate one in Memory of Ty, that way every time we have a parish dinner people will think of him. I have such an urge to help those in need now, it’s just one of the many things we plan on doing to help others. It is a bit sad knowing we won’t need it anytime soon but it’ll make some other babies pretty happy and that’s important to us as well, to make sure people are loved and cared for and we intend to make sure of that.
I am getting so big, I know I mentioned it before but I really am. The Dr’s said I wouldn’t get as big because there is no fluid but I am now, in inches, at the biggest I ever was with Ty and my weight is almost there. I am thankful I am putting on weight still, it helps me to know Matea is still growing so I may go back out and buy a few more newborn outfits for her (and get ones for him just in case) and put them in their hospital bags, which I cannot wait to make! I’ll post a picture when I am done with them. I just started sewing after we lost Ty so I am expanding what I sew in hopes of being able to make some more things to help with fundraising. I would love to sew something for her or him to wear too but I don’t know if I am there yet. I should sew myself some momo’s, I don’t fit into anything, thankfully my mom treated me to some bigger clothes this weekend. But I am okay with getting large, keep growing Tea Bug, grow that functioning kidney!
My husband said something earlier to me that I would have disagreed with when I was pregnant with Ty. He said he wished he could grow the baby because he misses out on knowing what it feels like and having that connection. With Ty I would have begged for him to be pregnant instead, I was so sick and sore and miserable but this time I would NEVER give this feeling away. I am absolutely in love with being pregnant this time, even with the few side effects I have, I love it. Somedays I love going out and showing off my belly, I just love it so much. I don’t feel the urge to hide it as much anymore. We have to tell numerous people about our baby and we are getting immune to it so going out and showing off my Matea bump is getting easier, I still dread questions but I love my belly and what it holds so much and I am so thankful to be able to carry her for another 10-12 weeks and get to feel her grow and love her more and more. I just pray in those 10-12 weeks she grows a functioning kidney and has enough fluids to help her lungs develop as well. Mommy and Daddy love you Tea-Bug xoxo