It may not be the new "calendar" year but it is Advent and with that comes the new Christian year. It is a year Stephen and I are praying becomes our year. The sermon today really hit me. It was about having patience and waiting according to God for blessings to occur. Easier said then done right? I have been really trying to have patience but for the last 18 months I have been patient to bring a baby home and when that hasn't happened it makes it harder to be patient for other things but I really can not force or do anything to make anything happen sooner then what God wants. So again, I sit in patience waiting for God to show us his plan. It is a new year and we pray that new years blesses us with a new house, a new job and a new life. We have been patient and will continue to be I only can pray that God has something planned soon. Speaking of patience, one of my mommy angel friends who sends out cards every once in a while sent me one that other day that said "God please give me patience....and give it to me now" I think I mentioned it before but it is SO true. Patience is a hard thing to come by these days with everyone's busy hectic lives but I have found I am learning how to accept it more. I seem to be finding patience in things I never use to (waiting in line at the grocery store...those little really meaningless things) and if I find myself getting worked up I simply say, it is not worth it, and distract myself by doing something else. Patience is a very hard lesson for most to learn but I know the rewards are great, after all isn't patience a virtue? Don't all good things come with patience? I promise to myself to be more patient...I will wait for what God has planned. I may sit and complain sometimes but, like I was reading in James last night, I can't ask God for something and then doubt he will do it. I have to have hope and faith and...you guessed it patience! The last two days have really opened my eyes to hope and patience and my goal is to work on them more throughout the week.
I've decided I will share a little bit of what Stephen and I have been waiting for. I know I keep mentioning to pray for us but haven't given much detail about possibilities we are waiting for...well one was the job and he got that, the other things is a house. We need all the prayers we can get to help God get us into a house. A few weeks back a very kind lady mentioned to Stephen that her and her boyfriend are going to be possibly moving in together and they want to rent a house out and asked if we were looking for a new place....OF COURSE WE ARE!!!! So he told her we would be very interested (AND WE ARE!!!!!) and now we are just waiting to hear if and when. I really think it will just come down to when and how much. I'm not going to go into a lot of details but this is an AMAZING opportunity for us and something I have been praying for, for over a year. So I ask that all of you who read this, please pray God blesses us with this opportunity to get into a house. As soon as I know more I will post. I feel really good that this very well may happen (and if not we're still moving) but I think this is a lesson in patience from God. We probably won't know until the "calendar" new year but we have been praying our hearts out that this house in is God's plans for us. Please pray for us.
Please also pray for the deer at Woodland cemetery. The last two days I have visited I have cried a lot. Not necessarily because of the boys but because today was the second time I saw a deer who was severely limping. This is the second one I have seen, I saw one yesterday two and it breaks my heart so much to see them in pain. I just want to wrap them up in a warm blanket, keep them warm and dry until their leg heals and then set them free. But since I cannot do that and I'm sure I'll continue to see them in pain every time I go visit, I pray that God heals them. I pray he takes their pain away because it hurts my heart so much to see them limping in pain.
I've been talking to some of my angel mom friends lately. I've talked to some with one loss, some with two, some with four and some with eight but the one thing all of us share in common is the lack of living children (I'm sure this may ruffle some feathers, but oh well deal with it, it's my life) We were talking about how different it is for us around the holidays with no living children because we don't really HAVE to decorate or celebrate. We don't have any little ones running around that want to go see Santa, or decorate the tree, hang the stockings or open presents. A lot of us are trying to figure out what to do and most, like us, are just letting it pass by. Many of us are left with deciding how to do anything even though our angels are in Heaven. Do we go all out and celebrate like we did before we knew loss, do we alter it and still partake in some of the celebrations or do we flat out ignore it and treat any holiday like any other day. When we don't have other children that depend on that "holiday" experience we all grew to love, we are faced with choices. Last year we set up a tree for Ty at his grave and hung his stocking. That is all we did, absolutely nothing else. This year we have a tree at the boys grave and one for them on their shelf and if I can find Ty's stocking we'll hang those up as well. One of my mommy angel friends suggest putting little prayers in the boys stockings and I really like that idea. I'm also going to get them angel stocking holders for their stockings but again, other then that...nothing. It will just pass by like any other day. Stephen said to me earlier that he hopes next Christmas we have reason to celebrate, or be close to it and I can't agree with him more. But we will wait and see what the New Year brings and how festive we feel next year. We did get invited to have lunch with a very nice lady from church after Christmas morning service (which we skipped out on last year but have to go this year as Stephen has a reading to do) so we will do that. But our house is undecorated, no gifts for us and though the boys aren't here we have made many donations in memory of them. It's hard when you have this motherly urge but no little one to put it into. Being an "angel" mom is so very different then being a "mom". I only pray I get the chance to be a "mom" one day and wonder how that will affect the "angel" mom side of me. Learning how to incorporate our angels into everything leads to some hard decisions. Plus with out them here and no other little ones, it is very easy to let things pass by. We don't have reason to do anything, I guess in some ways it could be considered a blessing but I much rather have my boys here and have a CRAZY house then the silence we will endure.
Since it is the New Year (Stephen and I have many resolutions and ways of life we will be changing) my goal (with many prayers) is to get into a house, get Stephen a permanent job (his only goes until March) and give us the opportunity to bring life into our house with a new addition. Please pray for God to bless us (and this house would be one of our biggest prayers answered)