Stephen left on his business trip this morning, not even 2 minutes after he left I was a blubbering mess of sobbing tears. It's not like he is home all day, he does go out to work but the difference this morning is knowing I won't see him until tomorrow evening and that is so very hard. He is me everything, I smile on my darkest days because I know I am blessed to have him in my life. He can make me laugh even through the tears. I made a long list of things to do while he is gone but I have a feeling since I am so distraught I will plow through most of them before 12pm today and be left with nothing to do but sit and worry.
I really should get an award for worrying, I do it so well! I never use to be this bad but having had two of the most precious things in life ripped away from my heart, I don't trust the world much anymore. I know nothing is guaranteed and that I have no control over anything. I can only pray for safety, for health, for financial stability, for protection of the loved ones in my life but I know no amount of prayers can guarantee anything either. I trust Stephen and his driving but I don't trust others. What if there are more Tim Bests on the roads that take out my husband? He can only do everything to keep him safe but there are others out there who could cause problems. If anyone did ever hurt him I'd go mama bear on them.
Perhaps the realization of him being gone tonight won't hit until later, I mean he does go out during the day for work, he goes running at night and I'm usually in bed before him but I am always up before him, I get up every morning and he is next to me, I don't think I will handle it well tomorrow. I'll also miss my good night kiss.....
I wish life would stop throwing all these curve balls at me, I can barely manage as it is. Just as I am trying to grieve and get back on track it insists on throwing me off my game and making me panic. After all we have been through I would just like a nice quiet uneventful life for a little while. I'd like things to start going our way, I'd like the bill companies to back off a little while we get back on our feet. It just angers me that there is so much help out there yet we don't qualify because Stephen has a job. What kind of BS is that? They rather help the people, you know the low life's who do nothing to better themselves and use the governments money on drugs, smokes and booze...yeah give them all the help and money they need to continue to live that life style but for two people who had their shit put together which was destroyed by tragedy times too, let them struggle, let them hit the bottom and leave them there. People who are trying to get back on their feet, there is so much injustice in this world and I have learned far too well that life is extremely unfair. I guess we do have one thing those low life's will never have, the love and support of family and friends which is priceless.
We also have the unconditional love of two fur babies (I still want to make it three, but I can't choose between the 3 legged cat or the one who has seizures) who I know will help me through today. They are so good at detecting emotions and catering to our level. I'm sure Charlie will be up for lots of snuggles today, I hope he is as chatty, it always makes me laugh. I wonder what kind of shenanigans he will get into today. He always acts up when his daddy is gone but I think it's because he knows how much it makes me laugh. I'm sure Milo will just be Milo and hide under the bed for most of the day but I know he is THRILLED to have the bed to himself with me in it tonight. It has been a long time since it was just him and I. Totally looking forward to Milo snuggles before bed.
I should really be off now, I have a list of 20 things to get done in the next two days, I give myself 3 hours before I am done and left with nothing to do.....I have a feeling the storage closet may be in for a cleaning!