Someone asked me this question the other day and I responded with my usual "okay" but when I really think about it I'm not sure how I am really doing. I've gotten to a point where everything feels surreal, where I just live each day without much going on. For example, last year at the butterfly release I was balling my friggin eyes out and was so emotionally. I hurt so much and missed my boys and at the time seeing Ty's name and knowing the spot under his was for Jacob was so very hard. This year I didn't feel much. Jacob's name has not been written yet and my mind wasn't all there. I had taken a gravol earlier in the day because I have not been feeling well. For some reason, the last 9 months since I gave birth to Jacob I have had horrible stomach problems. Perhaps it was the gravol that made me out of it but I feel most days I am not really living.
So when people ask me how I am doing, it makes me check in with myself and think, how am I really doing?
I'm trying to piece together some sort of new life.
I wake up everyday.
There are still days when the pain seems insufferable and all I want to do is crawl in bed, hold my boys blanket close and cry but I can't. There are other days where I do relatively feel okay, where the smile on my face is truly real, or at least that's what I tell myself.
I talk to others and listen to their stories and see where they are at on their journey. I know the pain will never go away, my heart will always be incomplete, there will always be the "what if's" and the hopes and dreams we had for both. I know there will never be the first steps, the first birthdays, the first day or last day of school. There will never be college and graduations, weddings or grandchildren for my boys. I know from others there will always be a void, that I will never forget my boys and I will learn how to place them in my life. I know any children we have will know about Ty and Jacob and we will celebrate them at get togethers as if they were there (not sure how yet but we'll figure it out, whether it be an extra chair or two or a candle lite) I still have not figured out how to remember them in a simple everyday life kind of moment but I know in time I will. I know in time when we do have children that they will also be a part of remembering Ty and Jacob.
I look in the mirror (which I usually try to avoid because I don't like what I see) and know I am not the same person. The little double chin I still have from gaining so much weight with Jacob, still thinks it's cool to linger around a bit longer. I avoid looking at myself, I could never look into my eyes because I would see the hurt and the pain and be afraid of what might come next. We rarely take pictures because looking at them breaks my heart too much, the pain in my eyes that is still there, if you really look it's all you can see. I have gotten pretty good at publicly hiding it though because most people I meet and mention my losses to them a bit later are impressed because I compose myself so well. It's really just a facade. I put it on to make others thing I am doing okay but inside, I'm a mess.
I really don't know how I am doing. I just know I take each day as it comes, I survive and will continue to survive until I can be reunited with my boys.
So for those who ask me how I am doing, expect an okay but know that is not really the truth. There's also a lot I can't share right now and depending on how they turn out, maybe okay will truly mean okay, but in the mean time, okay means I'm really just surviving, no bells or whistles or anything fancy, just being.