I use to be a very independent person. I loved going out by myself to get groceries, run errands, eat breakfast, pretty much I didn't mind doing anything by myself but oh my how times have changed. The thought of going out by myself terrifies me. I do not like to be alone, I am afraid to be alone. I'm scared something will happen, what if i run into someone I know that doesn't know our situation yet? I am clearly pregnant again, there's no hiding that, but how do I explain things, or what if I run into someone who does know and they start saying things and I start crying, or even worse, what if I go into labour! They told us Matea could be born at any time. They did say they were pretty sure she'd be okay until after 30 weeks but you never know, her arrival is unknown, she will come when she is ready and that could be today, tomorrow, or as were praying for, 14 weeks from now. But the fact that my mind is so wrapped around things going wrong (and how can it not be? I've lost two children, does anything seem to go right in the world anymore?) makes me terrified to be alone. I know my husband is only a phone call away but still....what if he doesn't answer his phone? What if the calls can't make it through and I would be left alone until I got a hold of someone? What if I break down in public (which took me a while to do after Ty) which isn't as scary as it was before, but what if I can't stop? The first time I went out after loosing Ty I lost it and couldn't even drive because I was crying so much and then I started having a panic attack about how I was going to get home when I couldn't drive because I was so upset. I eventually did compose myself and made it home but the thought of something like that happening again is scary. However, today I will set out by myself to get groceries, we'll see how long I make it, I guess if I have to I'll just leave my cart and come home if it comes to that. I hope not but I do not feel very strong today. But it's either go on the weekend where I may run into people I know or go during the week when umpteenth million moms with their children are out, what's worse? Both of them are torture. So here's too taking another step...
Talking of taking steps, I held my first baby since we lost Ty. I had such an urge just to do it plus it helped that it was in a safe environment. It was hard, to look into her eyes broke my heart, I wanted so badly to take her home with me. I have such an urge to be a mother and in one sense I still am, but I want that connection with my baby, I want to stare deeply into my child's eyes and feel nothing but pure happiness and love. I pray Matea is born living and opens her eyes, please God at least give me that much if you decide to take her away from us, give us a few hours with her alive and living, let us feel that love. Of course, if you decide to create a miracle and let her live we'd be very appreciative of that as well, I just want you to know that.
I am very thankful for the internet. After Ty I felt so alone because you never hear about women having stillbirths in 21st century. Turns out it is a lot more common then people think. I have found so many wonderful women to share my journey with and it has really helped, especially our stillbirth group where we live, it's nice to get out and talk to people who just get it and in a safe environment where we can talk about our angels all day long. That being said, I feel even more alone now. The chances of a baby getting BRA are so low there are even less of us, less women for me to reach out too. I am thankful for the women I have found who have went through the exact same thing, it's nice to have that connection, but I sure do feel alone. There's not many of us and an even smaller amount that chooses to carry to term despite the prognosis. But thank you to the ones who have reached out to me, I appreciate it.
I started to put away the baby things. After we lost Ty I put a few things away but brought them back out but now, it's just too painful to look at them. I pray through some miracle I have to take them out in 14 weeks though. It's not that I am giving up hope it's just I know God is funny sometimes. I just can't stand the constant reminder that my children are not physically here with me, they are not using all the baby things we have for them, instead they sit and collect dust and I just don't have it in me to have that in my face all the time. Maybe eventually we'll be lucky enough to take them back out but until then...storage.
I just want to clear up the elephant in the room, I want everyone who reads this to know, my husband and I are okay with talking about our children, yes we may cry or get teary eyed and it's perfectly fine if you do too but I think people are afraid it will hurt us. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Our children are our lives even though they are and will be in Heaven. It's all we have so please don't shy away from talking to us about Ty or Matea. We welcome it with open arms. Also, a lot of people ask me how I am doing, please take the time to ask my husband as well, this is as much as his life and journey as it is mine since we are one. I could not do this without him and his strength.