I know I haven't been writing lately but I have been REALLY struggling with everything and even writing seems to much to handle these days. It use to be my escape, a place I could just get everything out but when there is so much going on I can't even seem to get one thing out. My mind is in such a jumble I don't make any sense. I thought trying to learn a few new things (like sewing children's albs for our church) would be great. I use to excel on learning new things because I was always able to figure them out but even now, I struggle. I get frustrated and mad at myself for not being able to figure the easiest things out. It gets really bad sometimes. My counselor did say my mind would come back and I hope she is right because I really miss it. I go back to the psychiatrist on Monday and I'm hoping he can help a bit more. I decided I need to at least try the meds he gave me because I'm pretty close to hitting rock bottom. My sleep is all off, I'm not eating right, I have no energy to exercise and instead of getting better I seem to be getting worse so I'm sucking up my pride and am going to try these meds out. Even if it is only for a month or two, maybe it can help me start to climb back up from the bottom of the pit.
There's nothing in particular it's just EVERYTHING....every little thing. It's hearing people announce they are pregnant, or knowing people who are pregnant who are complaining, it's seeing parents who should NOT be parents pop out kids like their popping tic tacs. It's the frustration of not being able to handle simple things, it's the frustration over feeling so overwhelmed that I walk around each day and don't get much done because I can't think. It's the frustration that I can't think, it's the frustration and anger that my body STILL thinks it's pregnant. It has been almost 15 weeks and my body still thinks I'm pregnant, seriously....it's like adding salt to a open wound. All I want to do is get better, I want to get back in shape, loose the weight, live on, but I can't. Every time I take a step forward I take two steps back. It's the worry about fiances and the world pulling at me to get back when I know I am no where near ready and if I were even to try, it would get ugly. I may very well have to check myself into the 7th floor of B Building at Vic. I need my time, I need my space and no one seems to understand that. Even people who have been in shoes similar to mine do not understand. I am on a different grief journey then most, my life is different then most. I'm at a different time on the grief path, I'm only now able to start to grieve Ty.
We got pregnant with Jacob 10 weeks after we lost Ty, given we didn't know until 14. I had no time to focus on grieving Ty, I had to focus on the new life within me and it is only now that I have the chance to grieve but on top of grieving him, I also have to make room for grieving Jacob. How can I fairly grieve both of my boys, how do I split the time? I have so much guilt if I think of one more then the other. If I do things in memory of one more then the other. If I talk about one more then the other, I feel I am not being fair to either of them. I have so much guilt about loosing my boys and even more guilt on how to grieve them equally. I love them both so much and I'm guessing its similar to people who have living children, they may talk more about one of their children then the other, though I don't know if they feel the guilt of not recognizing the other as much but I surely feel it. I feel I have to stick up for Ty more because no one really knew Ty like they did Jacob. But then if I am focusing on Ty I feel horrible for not acknowledging Jacob. I'm sure this will ruffle feathers but I'm saying it because it is on my mind. This is one difference in grieving two compared to one. I have to split my grief and trying to equally split my grief makes me extremely guilty sometimes. Given, people who have one loss and living children may feel guilty they don't grieve their losses as much because they are busy with their living children but it is one difference. Again, not saying your one loss does not mean anything but how I deal with grieving my two boys does pose challenges for me. If I think of Ty then I feel guilty for not thinking of Jacob. If I think of Jacob or look at all the things we have (which is a lot more then Ty) then I feel incredibly guilty. I feel guilty that Jacob got more then Ty, that more people know Jacob then Ty so I try to fix it by talking a lot about Ty but then I feel guilty for not thinking about Jacob. It's a fine line balancing the loss of my two boys and allowing myself equal time to grieve both of them. I grieve the loss of two sets of hopes and dreams. Ty was suppose to be a starting pitcher for the Blue Jays (along with a Chef, Priminister and Ranger) Jacob was going to be our Missionary (along with animal shelter owner, adoptive parent and Priest) I grieve knowing what Ty's first day of school would be like, would he or me cry more, the same with Jacob. I grieve not knowing how much brotherly love my boys would share.
I grieve being denied the joy and excitement of pregnancy. I grieve not knowing how to smile after delivering a baby because all I can think about is my baby dying. I grieve not knowing what it is like to have a baby in your arms and look into their eyes, to see a connection I would have with no other. I grieve knowing the only sound I heard when both my boys were born was the gut wrenching cries coming from the depths of my soul. I grieve having to install the car seat only to have to take it out because it will not be used. I grieve having to take down the crib, set it back up and having to take it back down again. I grieve not knowing whether the money I spent on the car seat was a waste because I don't know if I will bring home a baby before it expires (yes car seats do have expiry dates) I grieve the closet full of baby boys cloths that have now been washed twice but never worn. I grieve struggling with my self-esteem, the ability to be able to trust my instincts or ability. I grieve not being able to handle simple situations.
I grieve other big losses in my life as well. Stephen and I WILL be moving soon. We don't know when or where but it is a must. This house is falling apart, it's dangerous and affecting our health, so it is happening. As much as we need to move though, this is the only place my boys know. This is where they spent their entire lives. Being taken away from that (as much as it is needed) will be a struggle. My best friend is moving to England for two years to go to law school and as much as I am so proud of her and happy for her, it's still me loosing someone to go eat lunch with (D, eating lunch via Skype is not the same) She is one of the only ones who talks to me about our boys but also knows I like to be distracted every once in a while and hear about other things. She has been by our side (for Stephen and I both) through loosing Ty and Jacob. She was in the room as Jacob was passing away, she shares a bond with our boys that other then my parents, no one else has. At least she comes back in two years and thinking of all that Stephen and I have planned in two years....it'll be different. I have lost myself, I know I won't ever find the old me and I am okay with that but finding the new me is just as challenging. Finding a way to motivate myself to get out of the bed on days Stephen works, it's not going so well. I feel if I can stay inside from the world and work on what I need to I may eventually re-appear. Home is comfort and that comfort is going to be ripped away when we move (but at the same time I do look forward to moving, we need more space and as you will see in a few posts from now, there are 65 VALID reasons we HAVE to move, it's not petty little things either) I want a new place to call home, one that we can really make our home. One that we can live in for many years to come and I pray to God, one that is filled with the laughter of children. It will always be filled with many tears for Ty and Jacob but I hope I do get happy times. They may not always be joyful but at least happy. The last year has been nothing but sadness, anxiety and fear (minus our wedding day, the was a pretty happy and joyful day) I do not know happiness. I'm still in grieving land while others move on. I will never move on but live on...I just don't know when.
There's not much anyone can do, but getting e-mails from people letting us know they are thinking about us is always helpful. I received one the other day from someone I don't know but found our blog and to know that even through my struggles I am still making a difference in someones life, it makes me smile, if only for a moment. No one can really help us with what we need. We need time, we need new space, we need to be able to afford the time we need (mostly the time I need) we need hope, we need prayers (okay I guess there are some things people can help us with) we need to heal, we need to grieve, we need to do things at our pace, it may take awhile but pushing to do things, especially that I am not ready to do, is only going to lead to disastrous things. I am struggling, I'm not going to lie or hide that. Even if you see me and I smile, know that in the depths of my soul I am crying, I am struggling, I am hurting. I can only pray that I continue to have the strength to fight back and not let myself slip into a place I do not want to be, even if it means taking some medicine for awhile, I have to do it.