You know what's really hard for me to deal with, well there's a lot, but one thing that breaks my heart is that Stephen likes to go see our friends who have young kids because he loves babies now. He wants to play with them and pick them up and give them hugs and it breaks my friggin heart to pieces. It makes me feel like such an incredible failure that I couldn't give him the chance and twice at that, to have that with his own kids. It breaks my heart to know how wonderful of a father he is and will be. It breaks my heart that he doesn't have that chance with his own kids, to play with them, pick them up, give them hugs, kiss them, read them bedtime stories....everything. He will never get to do that with Ty or Jacob and for the time being he is looking to others to fill that void in his life. I feel so worthless in that sense. I couldn't give him one thing he really wanted. He always tells me he doesn't see it like that but I do. To watch him with others kids, to know how amazing he is as a father....why can't he have the chance to not have to see our friends kids but his own. I just pray God does give him the chance and hopefully sometime in the next year or two.
In other news my progesterone pills worked. That's all I'll say about that. I'm really glad they worked, I was starting to get worried and it was making me anxious but one thing down, 99 more things to go. I kind of knew they would work by today because God does seem to have a sense of humor and I have to be tested for cervical cancer today and I thought I'd have to cancel again (I was scheduled before but was pregnant so they couldn't do it) but the lady said they still can, maybe TMI but that is something big in my life right now. Two very important things are happening today. I'll be honest, I'm not too concerned about the cancer because given everything we've been dealt the last year it wouldn't surprise me if that was added to our plate and you all know how I feel about my intuition....I don't trust it so who knows. I just pray it won't take too long to hear the results, though they'll have to grow a sample so it may take a little bit of time. It seems one stress leaves and another one takes its place.....Here's too a week of waiting, a stressful week, not because of the holidays but because of a very important test and it's results. It will have an impact on our future one way or another.
It's day 3 of my medicine and I think I'm feeling a bit of relief. I still feel anxious and worried but I don't feel the heavy pressure on my chest. I have started having hand spasms though, my thumb, it just moves on my own. Kind of creeping me out! I do find they put me in a fog though, before I was in a fog because I had so much on my mind I couldn't straighten it all out but now I'm in a fog because it seems my mind is empty. I'm not sure that's a good thing. At some point I will have to come off these meds and I fear it won't be a good time to have to deal with everything then....I'm worried everything will come rushing back that's why I didn't want to take them. I want to feel and deal with things now but I realized I wasn't because my grief was so deep in my soul I couldn't bring it up. But then again, it's like I don't feel much now and I don't like that either. Ahhh....if I was able to get some more time off and not have to worry about finances I would do this without the meds but it seems the real world will not leave me a lone so I have to do something. There is no magical money fairy who will take care of us for a year or two so on I go.
I have to say, not participating in Christmas the last two years has kind of been nice. I think we have learned how we will handle Christmas's from now on. Everyone we know is so stressed out, running around, buying so many gifts, making sure everything is perfect and I just look at them and wonder. They have it so wrong. It should be an enjoyable time of the year, you don't need many presents, you just need lots of time with loved ones and some good food. I'm going to write a blog on Christmas day about how I envision our future Christmas's to be....I really think the way we have done it the last two years has taught us a lot.
I've been having problems writing lately (as you can notice from the lack of blogs) but I have been dealing with so much I just can't bring myself to do it. I've also been busy sewing away because there are a few people who already want to order things so I must get some things finished and ready for January. We are broke and if I'm not going back to work yet...yeah we need to figure out how to get income from somewhere else....I'll post the link once everything is done and ready to go. You can also look on faccebook under Tycob's Boutique. I have some pictures up there now but nothing is for sale yet. I need to figure out how much shipping will be but there is no way I am going near the post office until the New Year...I was in there at the beginning of the month and it was CRAZY so I can only imagine how it is the week before Christmas.
A lot of things have happened for Jacob that didn't happen for Ty. Since Jacob lived we have had an incredible amount of mail for him and it just seems to keep coming, it's a sad reminder that he is no longer here but it is nice to see his name, it means that he WAS here. Ty didn't have any of that and it breaks my heart. He was here just as much as Jacob, just because he didn't take a breathe doesn't mean he didn't live within me. I feel so many people just wave him off simply because, according to the province, he never was. I carried him for 37 weeks he sure as hell was. Every time we get something for Jacob it makes me realize we'll never have that for Ty. This is another difference in my grieving of my two baby boys. One seems to be acknowledged more than the other, one is spoken of more than the other, one receives more than the other, it's always a constant battle between grieving the two when it seems the world only recognizes one. I love getting things with Jacob's name on them but I wish I had them for Ty as well. The hard part with getting things with Jacob's name on them is I still don't have any use for them, I won't be getting the child care benefit, the government won't be putting money into an RESP....I still don't get the chance to do something about all this mail coming for Jacob because he is not here. Life just sucks at the moment....little good things are happening I just wish something big would happen as well.