I woke up today still on the not so sunny side of bed. I had some crazy dreams last night, swimming with sharks, meeting with a geneticist to find out about re-occurring loss and having Jacob live, given it was only a few more days but at least like all my other dreams, he wasn't dead. I am having yet another down day, what I would give to have an up day....though at this point it only seems an up day would involve both my boys being a live and seeing as that is not going to happen it leaves me with the down days. I don't know why or what is making me feel my pain so much but I do know if I ever want to hold my head high again, I need to go through these days. I don't plan on going to Mother's group, I am simply not ready. All I want to do is be with Stephen. We do have to go get ultrasound scans of our kidneys to see if either of us has a kidney problem we are unaware of which may explain what happened to Jacob's kidneys. I really hope in a sense they find something because being told that Ty and Jacob's problems and deaths were just a "fluke" accident really angers me. It's a huge slap in the face to be told we're just unlucky. I mean stillbirths happen to about 1 in 1000 and what happened to Jacob (which I don't even know what to call it anymore since it's not bi-lateral renal agenesis) happens about 1 in 10000, given we even know what to call it. How can I not think that we are just extremely unlucky? Maybe for some reason we just can't have little boys. From talking to some of the other mothers who have had more then one loss, it seems the majority of us have lost boys, I wonder if there is something more to it then meets the eye. I don't know if I can say I know anyone who has two losses that were just girls, most have had two boys or at least one boy. I wonder why it seems boys have so many more problems and are more likely to pass away. Does anyone else notice this? I mean if that is the case and there are more girls being born, in a few thousand years there may be a slight problem.
The small joy I get out of today and it's kind of mean but he can deal with it, Stephen gets to experience what an ultrasound is like...and may I add on a full bladder with no food 4 hours before. It's just a small glimpse into what we as pregnant women go through, men really do not understand the physical aspect of being pregnant. This time around it was a lot better for me, in fact I loved it so much but I also went into it with the mind set that I would love it no matter what because it may be the only time we got with the baby and I am glad I did have that mind set. Other then the week of evening sickness and some major itching and feet/lower back/neck pain, I had no problems. With Ty I had every problem, morning sickness from week 4 - week 25, headaches, extreme exhaustion, bad allergies, sinus issues, bleeding gums, cramps...you name it I had it and it was very hard for me but I would do it all again in a heartbeat knowing that we had 9 months with Ty. Even if we had known Ty wouldn't make it we would have carried him, just like we did Jacob. Some people may not realize the joy those 9 months can bring, yes there is heart ache at the end but there are also many things to be thankful for, it is an absolute beautiful time of life. I think it really shows true love for your child.
Stephen lucked out with his ultrasound they didn't make him wait and it took like 10 minutes so he did not get to experience the small glimpse of what it is like to be pregnant. I think I am going to rent him one of those fake pregnancy bellies and have him wear it around for a day or two, you know the ones that are 30 extra pounds, actually maybe a week to let all the muscles get nice and sore and uncomfortable. I will admit though it was very hard to be in the ultrasound waiting room, it brought back so many memories and I cried a little but I did try to hold back because I knew Stephen was going to have to go into the ultrasound room by himself and I didn't want to be there crying my eyes out all by myself. It has changed since we were there last, but it was the last place Jacob had his ultrasound, it was also the first place Jacob had his ultrasound and a few in between. So many memories of him there. The tech Stephen had asked about Jacob, they all knew who we were and what was going on and they recognized the last name. I'm glad it wasn't me, I would have started balling. He told her what happened so she can pass it on since I know everyone wanted to know, everyone is curious. I only wish it could be that he beat all odds and survived....
We went for a hike and a walk today and it felt good, the only downside was the hike. Where we go hiking is where we started to hike after we lost Ty so it brings back a lot of memories of hiking with having just lost our little boy and it's all coming back this time around too. I just want to throw on the Snugi put a weighed teddy bear in and go hiking with that. Actually, now that I mention it that may be a good idea. I'm sure it sounds crazy to anyone reading this, unless you have lost a baby yourself, then you understand the weird urges. I'd put one of the cats in but that would just be silly. I swore I would be walking through there with my baby in the fall with the Snugi so I might as well do what I can. At least we rarely see anyone on the trail so we wouldn't get many weird looks.
And on that crazy note, I am off to hopefully sleep better. Stephen and I were up late last night talking about things and didn't get to bed until about 3am. Well we talked until 1 and then I laid there thinking about everything we talked about...hopefully the walk tonight helps me sleep. Until I can take a bubble bath I need to find another way to relax before bed and I think the walks may be helping.