With the humidex it feels like 40 Celsius, it is so warm out. Thank goodness my husband put the AC in a few weeks ago, at least the living room is semi cool. We may have to sleep in here tonight. .
I don't know if its the heat or what, but our cats today will not leave my belly button alone. They seem to think it's a toy, it's been there for months but today they both have been playing with it and trying to bite it. I like to think they are giving Matea love but I think they think it's a toy. It's cute but they have to be careful of her.
We met with our social worker today, the one we met with after we lost Ty. I find talking to her so peaceful, I don't know what it is but I always feel better after talking to her. She doesn't normally deal with the prenatal palliative care unit (which is what our team of doctors id called) but because she knows us she still wants to stay in touch and be part of our care and I am very thankful for that. It seems medically we are getting so much support this time, they do so much, it makes me wonder why it isn't there when an infant death is unexpected. I would have thought it being so close the care would be the same but it's not. So I am thankful to have this support and guidance.
We are going to work on our birth plans because we want to be prepared and we know Matea can come at any time, that's why belly shots and 3D/4D ultrasounds are being done the next two weeks and if we are blessed to get another 11 weeks with her then we'll do some more but we want to make sure we have some memories.
We have our butterfly release for Bereaved Families this Sunday, I'm glad I ordered two butterflies, originally I ordered two for my husband and I to release but now it only seems fitting. It'll be an emotional day, I'm sure tears will be falling and lots of hugs. Speaking of tears, I am having a hard time crying right now and I think it's becasue I feel such a deep emotional pain that if I start I will not stop and that scares me. I avoid all situations where tears may be involved, though going to church and anything with Bereaved Families I go to because I know some people get it and understand. It's been hard at church during the people's prayers because they mention us and it's just hard to hear. I know people are thinking about us and supporting us and I want to talk to them about it but it is hard, I don't want to break down and not be able to settle down. I don't want to be in a situation where I can't get away if I need too.
We often get asked how we are making it through and I know I've mentioned it before but there's not really a simple answer, it's a bunch of things. We have great support from family and friends and now the medical community, we have or faith, we have our parish family, we choose to keep a positive outlook on our situation and learn any lessons we are given, we still have hope for a miracle, we have love from a lot of people and we won't let it get the better of us. We continue to push on as much as we can and function on a daily basis, we are living through the grief. I think all of this is letting us live on for the time being, we know it's only going to get tougher so for now we are functioning, doing what we can, getting by, trying to focus on the positives....it's not easy but it is what we felt in our hearts was the right decision. Matea is our daughter, we love her, we will fight for her, we will pray for her to be a miracle and she gives us the strength to make it through. God and Ty also give us the strength.
We are so thankful for everyone in our life and how much they have helped us through both of our losses. We are truly blessed with many things and it may be hard for people to see that but we see them and we appreciate them. You learn that material objects don't matter in life but rather the love of family and friends and the memories of life are much more important. We've learned there is so much more to life then the newest dishware set, the fanciest car, the softest towels, the latest kitchen appliances or top of the line sheets, life isn't about those things, it's the little things, the small miracles, the love of family and friends, helping those who have less or are in need (remember there are always people worse off who need help) our fur babies who entertain and love us everyday, the fact we have a roof over our head, one that hasn't been destroyed by mother nature, there's so much more to life the the newest fanciest material objects and it's a lesson I am very thankful we have learned. Though I wish it were under different circumstances but I think it has helped my husband and I grow and become more compassionate, caring, kind, empathetic, happy, appreciative people. It has helped us continue to look for the positives in life and be thankful for the 9 months we had with each of our children, both Ty and Tea will always be a part of our family and we are very grateful we got to know them over 9 months. 1 week until our 3D/4D ultrasound :0) I cannot wait to see our Sweet Pea.