It's the little unexpected things of everyday life that, just when you think you are doing well, knock you back down. I woke up today having a relatively okay day. Not great not bad but okay. I had my lists of things to get done, did some dishes, sewed a bit and headed off to get my chest x-ray. When I schedule the appointment yesterday I scheduled for the place in Byron in case Stephen needed the car I could walk. What I failed to realize until I walked into the office and tried my hardest not to start balling....the last time I stood in that office, the last time I walked up those stairs, the last time I parked my car outside I was not alone. Stephen, my mom and dad were all there. We were there to find out the gender of our first baby. We were innocent, we were happy, we were excited. Walking out of those doors and down to our car with our little envelope holding the cookie which would represent the gender of our baby. We were so ignorant to pregnancy and infant loss, all we wanted to know was what we were having. It was the day we found out Ty was Ty. It was the day my suspicions were confirmed. I knew I was having a little boy and standing in that parking lot opening our envelope to reveal a blue cookie.
Our first born was no longer an "it" or "the baby" or "the little one", our baby was now Ty. I was right, as I usually am, and I held onto that blue cookie with such pride and joy. I still have that blue cookie, I still have the memories of that day. As I walked out of that office today all I could do was cry. There was no happiness just sorrow. Being asked the question "Is there any chance you could be pregnant"......how I wish I could have answered yes, yes I am pregnant with our rainbow. Instead I uttered no, there is no chance. I walked down those stairs, out the office and to my car where the tears fell. I did not hide them anymore for I was alone. That moment changed my day into a sad day. It was unexpected, I did not realize until I got there when I was there last.
I have been having the anxiety attacks lately. The tightness of the chest, the pain, the trouble breathing, the sweating, the shaking come at the worst of times but normally it's just that heavy pressure sitting in my chest. The only way I can resolve it is to take a trip to the cemetery. It is my solace. I park the car, check in with the boys and then go for a walk. I have my usual route but some days I change it up. I walk and admire the trees, I walk and admire the deer, groundhogs, geese and whatever other wildlife comes out that day. Yesterday I stood in a field of butterflies, just admiring the beauty of them. I admire the beauty of nature, the tall old tress seem like such gentle souls. They sway back and forth in the wind. As I walk I breathe, I inhale, I exhale.....I am one with my surrounding. I walk by all the headstones, read the names and dates. I visit the Simpson kids and Duncan. Some times I stop at the white cement gazebo and just sit...I sit and close my eyes. I pray to God to bring us some happiness. I pray he guides me in some of the most difficult decisions I have to make in the coming weeks. I pray for a fruitful womb and cringe at the fact that I now have to specify, living, breathing, healthy baby...not just a baby because I know the truths of this world. A baby does not mean it will come home with us. I pray for a child to bring home and get the chance to raise, to parent. I finish my walks by stopping by to see the boys again. Pray to them, talk to them, close my eyes and listen for their whispers in the wind. I sometimes sit and read to them, other times (depending on the weather) I just stand and sway back and forth. I talk to the other kids and let them know that this year they will have a nice garden, for all of them. I leave feeling a sense of hope and newness. I can breathe again.....that is until the next unexpected little thing in life knocks me back down.