Stephen had to travel again today (and will again next week too!) I guess I better start getting use to it for now. I don't mind, it has brought a few good perks our way. I decided to take the advice of many and while he is away treat myself. My treat of the day : Dragon Gate. Dragon Gate is by far the best Chinese food place outside of China, I'm not kidding, I have yet to find a place that has equally as delicious food. I called and placed my order (even though its on the other side of town which can take 30 minutes to get too) and they still had all my info from last time lol....I drove to get it and was fine on the drive on the way there but on the way home I had a few break downs. I don't know what it was but an over whelming sense of sorrow came over me. It was nothing particular at first, I just REALLY miss the boys, my heart is so broken and it will never be fixed. There will always be cracks of the what should have been's.
Then right around Commissioners a song came on the radio about letting go of the negative feelings about your self, that looking in a mirror should be beautiful and that to many I am perfect (in God's sense of perfect) It was about viewing yourself in a positive way (I was listening to the Christian station) and it really got to me because loosing the boys has done a number on my self confidence. I hate my body, hate the way it looks, I hate that it couldn't protect my two boys, I hate that when I look at myself in the mirror all I see is sorrow and grief and emptiness. I hate that it has destroyed us financially, I hate that it has made me become even more of a hermit, not really liking much in life anymore. I hate that when I mess up for something, even if so small, I really come down on myself because after loosing the boys I feel I can't do much.
Both my psychiatrist and counselor said that it takes baby steps. Baby steps to build yourself back up and I think they meant like baby hummingbird steps (or flaps since they fly) because it takes a long time to even get a sense of oneself back. I don't know how to go about rebuilding my confidence. I feel the only way to really do that is to successfully bring a baby into this world and home with us but that may never happen. I can't keep holding on to that when it's not reality. I need to focus on what I can do and take the small steps. It is about the small accomplishments, the fact I can still build things or can recall important information, things like that. They may not seem like much to others but they are to me. Sometimes even the fact that I remember to take my medicine each morning and night is a step for me.
I don't know if there will ever be a day where I look in the mirror and can see good, see happiness or pride. I don't know if that will ever come, I can't easily let go of the negatives because they are so huge, it's not just like I wasn't able to type 60 wpm or something menial like that. No it was bringing two children into this world, I mean hell, if women in 3rd world countries (though I do know infant mortality is high) can bring children upon children into this world and I can't even bring one in having the best pre-natal care out there, I just don't know. If my body can't handle it then what is my worth. I'm a woman, one of my purposes is to reproduce and when I can't successfully do that, it does take a hit. It stings.
I can only pray that with time I will be able to let go of the negative feelings towards myself and see the beauty in all that is me. I am no where near there and it may be a life long journey, but I am willing to try, for the sake of Ty and Jacob, I am willing to try.