Our lives the last few days has been super busy, now that we are settling down we are trying to make a plan on how to go about all of this, the life we are now living. I have had a lot of angry lately. I read a book called Giant Hero written by a mother who had a Potter's baby and chose to carry him to term as well. As much as I relate to the book I find in a sense it has made me more angry. There's a few reasons, firstly, this mother had a child previous to her loss and after her loss had two more healthy children. My husband and I are stuck at two full term losses. Not only that, all the statistics I have read, some from the book said that the likelihood for Potter's is 1 in 4000, however for girls it is about 1 in 8000. This makes me very angry, it makes me realize my husband and I have really shitty luck when it comes to having children, not only is Potter's rare but it is extremely rare in girls, so unless the doctors got her gender wrong (which we are hoping to still find out) then we have horrible luck when it comes to bearing our own children. After having lost Ty with no real answers why (speculation-placental failure and cord accident) and now to know Matea has no kidneys, I mean really? I just don't get it. I feel so alone. Yes, parents loose infants all the time, but two full term infants in the same family? How is that even possible and quite reasonably for completely different reasons. It angers me that we have such bad luck and the more I think about it the more I take it as a sign from God that we are not meant to have our own children. Because we have so much love, patience, support and understanding we are meant to adopt. This is a very touchy issue between my husband and I right now and one that will not be solved until well after Matea is born. We are not in the right set of mind to even think about future children and how we may bring them into our lives. That in itself is a whole other journey. It just angers me and breaks my heart we have to go through this again, the loss of one infant destroys a person and now to have to go through a second loss....some days I wonder if we'll stay sane and if so, how!
Having said that, there are many things we are blessed with in life, amazing family and friends, wonderful support, a cozy home, a car that runs, food, clothes, a parish that cares for us, two cats who adore us and all of this we are so thankful for. Even during the hard times it is important to remember to look at the positives in your life and I will be the first to tell you, it is extremely hard sometimes to see anything good out of such tragedy, let alone two tragedies for us. But we have decided to recognize the positive and embrace it.
Just like after we lost Ty, we have so much motivation to help other families who loose an infant or are carrying to term knowing the outcome. I believe this is starting to become my purpose in life. We started Memory Ty's in memory of our son to supply better memory boxes to the hospital for parents who loose a child due to stillbirth and now we are going to re-organize Memory Ty's to help families who are carrying to term despite a fatal outcome. We are not sure how to incorporate our experience but I know with time and all we experience with our journey carrying Matea it will become clear. I would love for the hospital to offer a perinatal loss program and help make it outstanding, it's just starting and where to go and what to do that I have to figure out. But I am determined to make a difference in the lives of other families who experience perinatal loss. I am so thankful for all the organizations that have helped us in our time of need and I want to be there for others.
When I decided to start a blog I wanted it to be all about our journey with Matea and how that is impacting our lives. I didn't want to mention much about her older angel brother Ty, but I have come to realize that is impossible. Even though he is in Heaven he is as much a part of our family as if he were on earth and our grieving for Matea is so closely tied in with our grieving for Ty. It is slightly different because we know a head of time we are going to loose Matea and Ty was a total shock to us. But to separate the two is impossible. They are two completely different little human beings with such different personalities, but they are both a part of my husband and I, both a apart of our family and our time with them has been very limited. They are so similar yet so different and it's foolish of me to think I could talk about loosing Matea and not mention Ty for a large part of it. We love both of our angels equally and what they each have taught us is intertwined within their short journeys here on earth.
I do not feel angry though that God chose us to carry two babies who would grow wings before they ever took a breath on earth. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to share our story with others and take this journey with my husband and our family and friends. I feel great honor in knowing how strong of a woman I really am and how strong of a man my husband is. Though some days I don't feel strong, some days I want to curl up and die but my angels keep me going. I will not let their short lies be in vain. I will take what they have taught us and use it in their memory to help others.
I continue to pray that God shows me the way and gives me the strength to take on such a heartbreaking task, but one that I am deeply committed too. I pray that he finds it in his heart o fix our little girl and if he chooses not to that he will let us have her on earth for a few hours before she joins her big brother Ty in Heaven. Please continue to pray for us. The next few months will be ones with many tough decisions and challenges and we need all the support and love we can get. I thank everyone who has been at our side through loosing Ty and now on our journey with us carrying Matea. We are truly blessed to have such amazing family and friends.