While sitting in church today listening to the readings something made me think of Jacob and it kind of upset me. I sat there thinking of writing a blog about it but by the time we got done running our errands and home I have forgotten what it was. So Instead I will talk about how I viewed the sermon and what it meant to me. What I took from today's sermon that even in darkness there is light (he was talking about all the violence this week in Colorado, Toronto and London, for the life of me I have no idea what happened in London, I'll have to check online) I still don't know what happened in London, but apparently there was some bad violence (doesn't surprise me for London with all the gangs we now have) Anyways, the sermon was about us being the light to others in all the darkness and that even in darkness people can still find light. I find that this sermon is really a reflection on what Stephen and I have been through. I mean we have most certainly been through some dark times but even in the midst of those dark times we still saw light. Even thought it seemed impossible some days, it was still there and how far we have come is a testimony to the light always shinning for us and a hell of a lot of work on grieving and learning to live with the death of our boys. And now, we are the light to others, to show them you can make it through and Heaven forbid, if someone goes on to have a second loss we are the light specifically to those as well that you can make it through. I know a lot of people have told us we are an inspiration to them, that we amaze people at how we can still manage to do so many wonderful things and keep a good composure of ourselves while we are out. I even had one lady tell me she never would have guessed we had experienced such tragedy because of the way I carry myself and talk.
Trust me, it took a lot of counseling, a lot of work on my part and God at my side. People ask me how I do it and I honestly don't have a real answer. I have this strength inside me that helped me get through which I completely attribute to God. Sure I don't talk a lot about God but him and I haven't exactly seen eye to eye over the last two years and I'm still new to this whole church thing but I have no doubt that he had everything to do with giving me the strength to make it through by not only making me capable but by sending Stephen into my life. Many may not know but the start of Stephen and I's relationship was very rocky. We ended up breaking up for a month but during the month my heart was set on him and it was set on giving him a second chance and again, I credit that to God.
It is mostly because of Stephen that I have chosen to see the light in the darkness. It is because he has taught me to always count my blessings and even on days when I don't feel I have any, there are still a ton of things I know I am blessed with and thankful for. For the people who ask how I do it, how I continue to keep positive and continue to see the light even in the dark, it is because I refuse to live in darkness. I don't like being there and yes some situations negate the fact I may have been there for awhile but it is then that I learned to open my eyes, truly open my eyes and see the world. To see the beauty and innocence of the world even though we are surrounded by bad things, bad things are news worthy so of course there the only things getting mentioned but even then, there is still good in this world, still beauty for all to see. You just have to be willing to look for it, to search it.
Stephen and I have been able to see the light in the midst of darkness and we always reach for it. Now, we are the light to others in the darkness and I am thankful we can be that. It's pretty awesome to be so inspiring to people, to let people know that no matter what you face in life you can make it through. But I will be honest. I did not do this alone. I had to suck up my pride (I'm stubborn and very independent, or so I use to be, I'm not anymore. Now I just like to use a lot of commas) and seek out help, seek out counseling, to recognize when I needed to go on medication to keep surviving. I needed to deal with my grief instead of trying to hide it, I hit it head on. I did not let it get the better of me. I fought for myself, I fought for my light and yes it was and continues to be hard at times but it is far greater to struggle and find something better then to put everything aside and let the world swallow me up, let myself wallow in grief. I chose to see the light in the dark and now I pass along that light as I take place of those who need to see the light. It is possible. It's not easy, it hurts, it's hard, it sucks, you have every right to have a pity party, but when you choose to see the light in the dark you will see and you will become something truly beautiful. Then the best part, you get to pass it on to those in the dark and help them out which is the best feeling in the world!
And on that note it is time for me to go pack my lunch for I embark on a new adventure of shedding light tomorrow at my new job. I am very excited about it and it's the first time I do not feel a tad nervous about starting a new job. I just felt so comfortable and welcomed there, I know this is where I am suppose to be. I know God has put me there for a reason and I cannot wait to see how I can shed my light to those in the dark!
P.S. I know I don't usually write about sermons but I find some of them so meaningful to me and I would have written about many more but my brain has only recently decided to start remembering things which surprises me because on top of grief brain I now have pregnancy brain which makes for a horrible memory lapse. I hope to write more and make these my good, inspiring blogs because that's how I feel after church. I may still be learning this whole new God thing but I do find church gives me peace, calm, reassurance, hope and strength. I have never left feeling worse, only better. It may not be for all but I do encourage you, if you are in the dark looking for light to seek out something, give it a try, if not for the God aspect at the beginning (like me) for the community and the messages of hope that church brings (well some churches, I know there are some crazy ones out there) Whatever religion you may be or want to learn, maybe that is where you will find your light.