The mail for the boys just keeps coming....today we received the monthly news letter for Bereaved Families. I knew it was coming, it's monthly, I expected it, just not today. I was very weary about this news letter because I knew it would have Ty's name in it (they list all the children lost in that month for each news letter). I was prepare for that but what I wasn't prepared for was under Ty's name it said Brother to Jacob (2011) It was another bittersweet moment. A reminder that yes Jacob was born in 2011 but he should also still be here. I shouldn't even have to think about what next Septembers news letter will say. Jacob Tiberius Emmanuel Nelles, September 5 - 7 2011, Brother to Ty October 15th, 2010. Then in October it will be Tiberius Stephen Nelles October 15th, 2010, Brother to Jacob September 5 - 7 2011. I have NEVER seen anyone in the news letter with two losses, it just makes me feel that more alone. Most people who have had a loss, or even two that I know through other places, still have children at home. Stephen and I have had two losses and no living children. We don't have another child to come home to. A lot of the mother's I have spoken with say it's their other children that get them through. They have to take care of the other children, they have reason to get up, smile, laugh, get out. We don't have that. We have nothing but vague memories. We have two cats but it's not the same.
I think I am going to take a break from facebook for awhile because I swear EVERYONE on there is pregnant or just had a baby, I mean really? I hate seeing how everyone else can have a baby so easily and here we are just having buried our second full term baby. It hurts. Just like being at Wal-Mart today hurt. All those mothers with their fresh out of the oven babies, having to walk by the baby section and hearing babies cry....I don't ever want to hear another baby cry. I want to remember hearing Jacob's cry and it is so hard some days because it was so far away, it was loud but the door was shut. I want to remember his cry and hearing other babies cry makes me forget it more. What I would give to hear it again.
Everyone says time heals and I guess it eventually does but this time around it is taking a lot longer, given it has only been 3 weeks but it has seemed like months. I don't know when I will ever enjoy what I use to, if I ever will. I don't know when I will actually want to get out of bed (the only thing getting me out of bed is having things we have to get done) Maybe once I can start working out I will be more motivated to get out of bed. I know a few posts ago I said I didn't want my belly to disappear yet but I am over that. I want it gone, all of it and soon. It's just a lump of fat now, it doesn't hold the precious thing it use to so I am ready for the lump of fat to move on too, I'd like to bury that. The other reason I want it gone is because I am in the awkward stage of not fitting into much. My pre-pregnancy clothes are too small (and to be honest I don't know if I will ever fit into those again after two pregnancies and I HATE clothes shopping so I am not looking forward to that if it comes too it) and my pregnancy clothes fit in such a weird way. They really show off my belly (which pregnancy clothes generally do because of the way they are designed) and I don't like how they look on me. So I am stuck in between and have barely anything to wear, which explains why I am usually wearing sweats or yoga pants and a t-shirt of Stephens, needless to say I look like a lazy bum and I guess it fits because I am.
Our house is filled with blue teddy bears (they are everywhere) when it should be filled with loud cries, smelly diapers, toys and chaos. There's reminders everywhere, there constantly in my face. This last week has been so hard, harder then the first two. Even with a visit from one of our best friends who always makes us laugh for hours on end, I still fell so empty and sad in my heart. All I can do is cry, I can barely get up in the morning, I can barley make myself eat. This time is so much harder. I really need to start going back to counseling, I found it so helpful after Ty and it gets me out of the house for a bit. I have no shame in going, I don't think anyone should. In fact I think it takes a very strong person to go to counseling. When you experience something in life that you don't know how to deal with and aren't doing well talking to someone can really help you clear your mind and clarify things in your life. I really need that sense of direction again, clear my mind from the fog, get out what is in there that I can't get to myself right now. Maybe it will help with achieving an up day before the end of the year.