The last few days I have been going through the boys things, thanks to my nanny I received a family heirloom cedar chest and of course I knew what it was for, the boys memory box stuff (as we thankfully have a lot of stuff from them). I took my time switching over the old box to the new box, looked at the pictures, all my hospital menus, smelled Jacobs blanket (which have the horrible NICU smell on them, but that's my baby) listened to his heartbeat in the bear we have (we actually have it recorded twice) smelled some of the flowers that were dried from Ty's flowers....and because that wasn't emotional enough I decided last night I really want to go through their scrapbooks. Ty has a real scrapbook, Jacob's is a digital one from on line. I was very emotional going through them, I miss my boys so much it hurts so bad. But I was also able to smile, reading about things that I went through pregnant with Ty, what I craved and how I felt, reading the poems about angels in Jacob's book, they may have only been here 9 months each but they have left a huge spot on my heart. One thing really caught me off guard though....
While looking through Ty's scrapbook I couldn't help but stare at the pictures of me. I sat there looking deep into my eyes, eyes that were so unaware of such tragedy, eyes that were simply content and happy. I will never be that person again, the innocence has been ripped away and twice at that. All I know is sorrow. I just sat staring, thinking back to what it felt like at the time, so oblivious to anything ever going wrong. We had our goals, our dreams and our hopes and we were set. We were having Ty, moving into a house, Stephen was getting a better job and that was going to be our life. At least that's what my eyes said. It's of course not how it turned out and as I was going through Jacob's scrapbook I was even caught more off guard. Again I sat staring into my eyes but this time, those eyes showed pain, those eyes showed sorrow and tragedy. Those eyes were no longer innocent, they showed hurt and tears. In a matter of months our lives were forever changed. What we thought were our goals, dreams and hopes turned out to be nothing more than a wish. Most days now they seem unattainable. It just really upset me to look through Ty's and see such happiness and hope and then to go through Jacob's and see me so hurt, sad, depressed and the person who was full of life in Ty's scrapbook, was full of emptiness in Jacob's. All of this having taken place in less then a year. The woman in Ty's scrapbook will never exist again, sure parts of me may come back and I do hope I can truly feel happiness again but I know it'll never be the same.
I still go through their drawers of clothes sometimes and imagine what they would look like (just like I did while pregnant with them) expect I never found out, I still have to create imagines in my mind because I never had the chance to have my dreams fulfilled. I love going through their stuff but at the time it also hurts so much. If you've been to our house you know we don't hide our boys, they are all around us and they always will be. They will always have a prominent wall in our house dedicated to them. If it makes our guests uncomfortable well I'm sorry, but how do you think we feel. We live it every day and we are proud of our boys, they have taught us so much and just taking the time to look back on their little lives reminds us of how blessed we are. I'm thankful we have 2 1/2 days with Jacob, I'm thankful we knew a head of time and prepared as much as we could making sure to do everything we wanted to. I'm thankful even though we don't have a lot for Ty we can still create things so that he is equally as remembered as Jacob (speaking of which, if anyone knows where I can get a very cheap small baptismal gown and hat please let me know, I want to make a box for Ty and we never got one for him) I'm thankful that through Ty we found a church we are now a part of (we had been searching for quite a few months) I am thankful that through Ty we learned who we could lean on in tough times and who our real friends were (though I must say, we've been really lucky in the fact that most of our friends are awesome already and really stepped up to help out, we haven't really lost any friends) I'm thankful that Ty increased my love for veggies and fruits (I was really adventurous with him) and I'm thankful Jacob increased my love for sweets. I could go on and on about all the wonderful blessings each boy has left us with but some I like to keep private, I like to share a special connection with Stephen that only him and I and our boys have.
I have been blessed with so many memories and I'm so thankful I get to share those memories with the people we love. I'm proud of my boys and love to talk about them and show their scrapbooks to people. Sure, I may still get a little teary eyed but it's because I just love them so damn much! I love when people use their names and I especially love when people send a card or do something in memory of our boys on their birthdays. I may only have a few memories but they are the most cherished memories I have and of course they make me cry but at the same time they also make me smile. Some may not understand that but that is the life of a grieving mother.