So here I sit on Mother's Day, exhausted from another night of no sleep. I cannot seem to shut my mind off as I lay down, not only that but it is one of the times during the day Matea is most active and I love to lay there and feel her little kicks, to know my baby girl is still alive and well. Her other favourite time of day is first thing in the morning. I woke up 30 minutes ago and she has kept sending me love taps which is lightening my spirit a bit. Today, I hope no one says "Happy Mother's Day to me because I don't feel saying "Happy" Mothers Day is appropriate. I really am not "Happy", my heart is broken, my babies gone/going to be gone, the only thing today brings is more sadness, maybe a bit of happiness that I carried my babies as long as I did but it still is far from a "Happy" day so today I wish myself a peaceful Mother's Day. Even though I do not have my babies I are still a Mother and I still take care of them in a Motherly way even though they are not here.
I did a lot of thinking yesterday. We found out on Monday that we were going to loose Matea and all week, as beautiful as the weather has been, all I have wanted was to go see Ty but I knew it would be a challenge for I knew when we went to see him I would look at the grave spot beside him and realize in a few months his sister will be buried there, so I put it off for a few days then yesterday out of the blue while we were on our way home I wanted to stop. I held it off for about 5 seconds and just lost it. Standing over my baby boy, looking next to him and realizing my baby girl will soon be buried there was a hard bit to swallow. I just stood and cried while my husband held me. All I could think of was how unfair it was, it really angered me. It's Mother's Day weekend and here I was standing over my sons grave thinking about how to connect his headstone with his sisters, not something I should ever have to do. No one should ever have to bury two children. Though, don't get me wrong, I am extremely thankful I had the chance to be pregnant twice and carry my babies and show them love and that's all they know is love. But still, it was so hard to stand there and think in a few months there will be a new grave, a grave that now will have my daughter. After this experience I felt a lot of anger and strength. I decided, unlike the doctors, I do not just want to "blow" this pregnancy off. This is my daughter and I will fight for her life, I will do everything in my power and leave the rest up to God. I will rest as much as I can, I will drink insane amounts of water to hopefully give her some fluid and cushion, only God can grow her a kidney but I can do everything else possible to give her the best chance. Though the doctors are choosing to have no hope and not really stand behind us on our decision, I will fight for Matea, then at least I can feel okay knowing I tried. I refuse to just give up like everyone else. She is my daughter and as her mother I will fight for her. It is Mother's Day, I am a mother and my duty is to protect my children and fight for them.