How does one even begin to thank everyone who has helped so tremendously in the last week? I don’t even know where to start….There has been an overwhelming amount of support and I don’t know how to thank everyone. I don’t think any amount of words could ever show how much Stephen and I appreciate all that everyone has done for us. I don’t think there are enough thank you’s in the world to show how thankful we are. There have been so many people and so many things done to help us. I have kept a list to write thank you cards but really, I feel that is not enough. Some of the people who have helped us have went above and beyond what I ever expected. I just don’t know how to show them how much we appreciate their support. I just really don’t feel a thank you card is enough but I have no idea how to show people how appreciative we are….So I just want all of you who have helped us to know that we are so incredibly thankful and appreciative of everything you have all done. Words cannot express how helpful everything has been for us. It has made a very hard time a bit easier. I'll have to dedicate a post to thanking everyone but as people are still helping I will wait to make sure we do not miss anyone.
I think I am in the denial stage of grief right now. It still seems so surreal to me. Did it even really happen? We have pictures and videos but my mind can’t place me in that situation. It’s like I’m on the outside watching through a looking glass at this event happening to two other people who just happen to look like Stephen and I. I wish my mind was more clear the 2 ½ days he was here. I wish I could remember his every little move and all his NICU smells. I wish I had spent every minute with him instead of being naïve and thinking he’d be okay. As much as the doctors said he was a sick little boy they also said he was doing better than they expected. I guess I should have listened to my gut feeling, I wanted nothing more than for him to be okay but deep down I kind of knew we wouldn’t be bringing him home. When things started to change Tuesday night, I knew. His body was so swollen, his organs could not keep up with what he needed them to do. His kidneys weren’t working not because of their size or anything but because his body couldn’t get oxygen and blood to them because it was working so hard at keeping everything going to his brain and upper body. At least from what I understand, which still needs to be clarified.
I started working on designing Jacob’s headstone. I really wish I didn’t have too. I wish I could be working on his Halloween costume instead but that is not the case. I designed Ty’s and it will be very similar, but with a different design. I hope we can get them both put them in before the winter. I have a feeling this winter is going to be the longest ever. I am not looking forward to it. It would be different if we had Jacob here, I wouldn’t care then, I’d love every minute we would get snuggling together on the couch, keeping warm. But instead we have to go through another winter empty hearted. Just shovelling snow and trying to make it through each day. Another Christmas we probably will not celebrate, it just doesn’t feel right. Nothing feels right anymore, nothing seems fair. There is so much more I don’t understand about this world after the last 11 months.
I feel so weak today. This is bringing back so many memories of last October. The daily struggles, the rollercoaster of emotions, the denial, the lack of sleep, the physical pain (from depression not c-section) even though the situation was much different losing Jacob then it was with Ty, the grief is still very similar. I don’t think we ever fully got to grieve Ty either because we became pregnant again 3 months after losing him. I feel now we are not only grieving Jacob but we now have the time to grieve Ty as well and I am finding it a lot harder this time. I am finding that I am really struggling with what has happened over the last 11 months. I don’t feel as numb to the situation as I did after losing Ty. It’s all right infront of me, denial yes but still I can feel so much more heartbreak this time around. Maybe because I am not holding anything in or I’m not shutting myself out from the real world my feelings have been able to expand more. I think not knowing exactly what happened with Jacob either has really been bugging me. Wondering if we had kept him inside me two more weeks, given him the steroid shots and had a natural delivery if that would have made any difference. In one sense I want to know, but in another I don’t. I don’t want to live with guilt and regret. From everything the doctors have told us all along it wouldn’t have mattered. I’d like to believe they are right. We still want to find out what happened though but then we play the what if game and it may be better if we don't know everything. What if it was just him reacting to medicine, what if it was something they done, what if there was more we could do....those questions will always be there and we
We went to the bank today and I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I just do not have it in me. I am so physically ill today. My body is in so much pain, my heart is literally hurting. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep but I know I can’t. Other than going to see the boys and going to the bank I have only sat on the couch today. Well I didn’t get up until 11:30 and I did do a load of dishes but I am so tired and sore today I can’t deal with much. Not even looking at the new IKEA catalogue interested me. All I want is to remember Jacob when he was here with us but I can’t remember much. I wish I could remember everything about him, I should seeing as I stood there and stared at him for hours at a time. I wish I could have held him when he was healthy (or as healthy as he was) when he was pink, when he looked like a baby. I wish I could have held him on my chest and felt him breathing. So many wishes unfulfilled again….will we ever get the chance?