Stephen came home with some rather positive news yesterday. I have been praying my little heart out since and ask all of you to pray for us this week. I can't say what it is yet, I don't want to jinx it but I am trusting in God that he told Stephen this because he intends on fulfilling one of our biggest prayers. It is something we have been praying for, for a long time and we have a possible opportunity to make it happen. I really hope God didn't put it in our minds only to dash our hopes and dreams again...I really hope he has every intention on answering a big prayer of ours. Stephen is also going out to apply for jobs this week so we need prayers for that as well. He has been on the job hunt for over 2 years, this economy just stinks. He has some leads this week and we're praying one of them turns out to be something good for him. We really need a break, God knows what opportunity I am talking about so please pray that he gives us it.
I attempted my first time out in the mall without Stephen. I was rather anxious about this but I made it half an hour in the mall with very little tears. Albeit, I was shaking, sweaty palms and nervous as crap but I did what I had to do then got the hell out of there. I was so anxious my heart rate was up really high and my heart started to hurt again, just like it does when I work out (which it is still doing so back to the doctors) but I managed to get through and get home. I had to get Stephen something for his birthday...I had an idea of getting an engraveable picture frame so I went to Things Engraved and picked out a very beautiful frame (I know he doesn't read my blogs often so I know it won't ruin his birthday surprise) anyways on the top I had engraved in a really pretty script font Daddy and His Boys and on the bottom Love Ty and Jacob and it has a little do hickey under their names, it is so nice. I printed off a picture of him and the boys from in the hospital when he was holding Jacob and had Ty bear in his lap and got a mat to frame it with. I hope he likes it, that store is quite pricy once you start engraving things. But it is so nice and I know he will love it. I also got him some mint tea, a father figurine and a tow-mater stuffed toy and book, it's really for him to share with his future children but the rest is for him. I know it won't be a very happy day, unfortunately we know how much our birthdays suck from going through it after loosing Ty but I do hope he finds some peace in tomorrow.
I am having the same issues with pregnant women as I did last time but this time I find as long as I know pregnant women are having girls I have no problems but when it comes to pregnant women having boys, I have some serious issues, it breaks my heart. No one else should be having little boys, no one should get the joy and happiness of a little boy because we just buried our second baby boy. It's not fair. I don't like being jealous or upset or angry at the fact that other people get to have what we want so badly and got so close to having twice but can't seem to get but God gave me these feelings and I have to deal with them. I wish I could shut the world out until I am able to bring a baby home. It is all we want, we have no goals in the meantime and we have a long wait. I wish I could stay inside and work on being healthy and happy without the constant abuse and slaps to the face of other people having healthy babies, its too much to deal with. But then I know being a hermit is not good as well, it would only be until we had a baby to bring home....a year or two is not that long to be a hermit. I just don't feel like I can deal with pregnant women this time around, I have to avoid them like the plague. But I have to do what is best for me and what helps me in my healing the most even if it means being a hermit until my depression subsides enough so I can function on a daily basis, even if it means avoiding pregnant people like the plague...it's all I can handle now, I don't need to be pushed towards having more meltdowns. Right now I think being a hermit would be the best thing for me...I can't handle all the overwhelming issues of the world, my heart literally cannot handle it, it is so stressed I am getting chest pains.
I have been feeling really alienated lately, even from people we have grown close to over the last year. It's really hard to be happy for other people when they have the one thing you want so bad but can't see to get. I don't like feeling that way, I should be happy for everyone but I'm not. I feel I can't even relate to some people anymore, that what has happened in my life has made me stray away from being like others and really alienated me. Everyone's lives are moving on, people are happy, they are getting married and having kids. Ones that have lost kids are having more and they have reasons to be happy but I can't relate to that happiness. That is not where I am in my journey. Everyone is on a different path and journey but I am stuck in grief land. I don't like it here all by myself. It's a dark lonely place and as much as I would love someone to join me I also pray they don't because I'd never wish upon anyone to loose a child. I'm in a different place then most, I have lost a child and had my rainbow, a time when I should have been so damn happy like everyone else but that is not the case. I lost my rainbow as well, there is no happiness to that, there is only grief, lonely dark grief. I am by myself in this journey, well I have Stephen, but as far as other angel moms go, I am alone. Even the few I know who have had two full term losses still have children at home and I cannot relate to that. My grief is so very different from theirs. Everyone's grief is different but even my life is so different from theirs. As I type this I keep reminding myself that I know for a fact I am not alone in my grief. I know for a fact that in third world countries women loose babies and children all the time. I really need to keep remembering that. It's just it would be really nice to have someone to talk to who is in my shoes, I know our shoes and the paths our shoes walk are different but there would be some similarities. No one else gets it.