I threw out a quiche today. I cried. This wasn't just an ordinary quiche, this was one of the last frozen meals I had left over from before Ty. I made a bunch of things to freeze just before his arrival and I finally got the courage to throw it out today (it was quite a bit freezer burnt) but it was hard. Everything the last 1 1/2 weeks has been hard.
I did manage to make it through yesterday and did pretty well. I dropped the hubs off and came home to go back to bed (only had 3 hours of sleep) and by the time I woke up he was already in Toronto. I got ready, went and ran my errands and even before I was done the hubs was on his way home. It didn't even seem like he was gone but I survived! Yah for small miracles!
Another small miracle....Stephen and I are planing a night away. This is HUGE for me. I have a fear of leaving home but my wonderful mother is going to come up for a visit and stay at our place to take care of our fur babies and visit the boys. I'm hoping that's enough to let me actually enjoy my time away. We are booking one night in Niagara Falls (perhaps we'll consider this our honeymoon) and have a few things on the list we can do while there. I'm already anxious over it but it has to be done and soon, before I go back to work. Maybe near the end of April.....
To end on misery...I spent 30 minutes on the phone today trying to figure out why there was a $700 discrepancy between what we told we were getting back in taxes and what we actually received. It ended with the guy on the phone telling me that because of CRA "protocol" Jacob did not exist therefore we do not qualify for certain tax credits (of which we never signed up for they just give it to you automatically) and instead we owe the government money because our baby died. I think that is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard. Way to down and out someone when their already there aholes. If anything, families who loose babies need the money more than those who have kids. Those who have kids don't have funerals to plan, death certificates to apply for, headstones to pick out and work to miss because of situational depression. This world is so messed up, beyond belief. I am so glad my boys are somewhere better, somewhere they don't have to deal with shit and injustice. Many of you who have children say you become less rich because kids cost so much, well for one, be thankful you have a kid, be thankful you have the greatest richness in life, being a parent. Not only that, you come no where close to being as poor as someone who looses a child. I wish the CRA would understand that. They need to make a child death tax benefit because families who loose children really need help financially. But no, they like to waste their money on low life's who do nothing to better themselves, that only use their money for drugs and alcohol or cigarettes, who abuse their children and so on...yah that makes perfect sense to give them money but not those who have not caused their situations themselves and may I add, most are only temporary, a few months or a year, not life like the low life's. I'm beyond frustrated with the government and the poor service they give us who loose children. It makes me sick that we continue to struggle because the government thinks that loosing a child isn't enough. No instead they say, give us money because your child died, how in their right mind can that seem even remotely okay?
My day has been ruined, I was just starting to come out of the slump I've been in for 1 1/2 weeks but now I'm back down. I'm so sick of everything. I'm tired, I'm done. Please can't some GOOD miracles start happening to us? I'm done with this bad luck, horrible situations we seem to get thrown at us because we had to bury our first two sons. Life is completely unfair and unjust and it makes me more sad and angry everyday. Why don't we get a break? Do we not deserve it after all we have been through? On top of that, we're still trying because we have to, because we want to be better, we want to make a change so we try, but according to the government, trying equals...well trying so they won't help. Nope they continue to squeeze every penny we have left....(and that's running low) we'll I'll be damned if I let them treat bereaved families like this anymore. Today I am going to start looking into seeing how I would get some kind of benefit to those who loose children. It may be hard, it may be long but I've had it with the government. Those aholes have it coming. This is a grieving mama on a mission and I will not stop until it is done. Just like I have every intention on having them pass 3rd trimester ultrasounds as protocol, say 32 weeks, I know that would greatly reduce the number of stillbirths. Something has to be done and I'm not going to stay quiet anymore.
Time to go look at kitties and calm down before going back to the dentist again...did I mention that the $300 I laid down last time did not solve my pain, so back to get squeezed from them as well...honestly, I don't think I should have to pay, what they did, did nothing to help my pain and I think I shouldn't have to pay more until they fix it. Getting another kitty may be put on hold......