Today was a pretty quiet day. My husband got up early with me (no quiet peaceful morning) and we ran out to do some errands. I dropped him off at the gym and went to visit Ty. I should have brought a chair as I was there for awhile. I've been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt lately with all that we are doing for Matea that Ty didn't get so I felt I needed to apologize to him. I told him we did what we could at the time but it did not make me feel any less guilty. I asked that he forgive me for everything we did and didn't do that we are now getting the chance to do with Tea. I told him I was sorry for not having him in the room with us at all times, that we didn't know we could bathe and dress him, that we didn't spend more time with him or take more pictures. We just didn't know, everything happened so quickly within 24 hours, we just didn't know but that does not lessen my guilt any. I really wish we didn't have the chance to do things differently. I wish we were preparing for Matea's arrival instead. I should be working my last few weeks before time off. We should be washing baby clothes and setting up the nursery. Instead I am having tremendous guilt at the fact that we'll have Tea's handprints and footprints and a lock of hair and we didn't have that with Ty. I still don't feel better after talking to him, maybe if I do it a few more times I'll feel somewhat peaceful. I just hope he knows how much we love him and how much he means to us and how much he is going to make a difference in the lives of other couples who go through a stillbirth at the hospital. Because of him we are making a better program for stillbirths, better memories, better guidance, better support all in memory of him.
After Ty I went on a mission to find Bella B Honey Tummy Cream....no luck. I got a sample in a goodie bag I got and since my stomach has been growing and stretching more it has been incredibly itchy so I thought I'd try the cream. Well it really worked but I am out of my sample so I went looking all over for it and no place carried it. Actually, no one had any stretch mark cream that was anti-itch. When we got home I got online to see if any of the stores around us carried it, nothing, so then I looked to order it online and found it but no one seemed to ship to Canada. Afew hours later I finally found a place that shipped to Canada and free shipping at that! It should be here in 2-6 days thankfully because I need some relief.
I had a hard time when I popped into Babies R Us to see if they had lotion. I so badly wanted to be be buying things for Matea. They had so many cute little girl things, blankets, bibs, crib sets, pictures, clothes...everything. All the pregnant women were so happy in there, then there was me, going on my second full term loss and only looking for something for me because my baby is not expected to live. Needless to say I did not stay long, I popped over to Michaels instead. I bought clay kits for a mold of Tea's hand, foot and my belly button and I plan on making a 3 framed shadow box with each of the clay molds in them, I saw the idea online, quite cute. I also went down the wool isle and fell in love with a very soft, almost chenille like wool that I thought would be perfect for Tea's blanket so I bought some came home and learned how to incorporate another colour into the blanket I was already knitting. It is going to be so cute and so warm and so full of love. I'll post a picture of it as soon as it's done. I better work on it since we do not know when she will arrive.
I decided it was also time to pack my hospital bag, since the babies bags are packed I figured I should do mine so we have everything ready to go for when we need it. It was hard because I had not unpacked it from going to the hospital when we lost Ty and there were some of his things left in it. It's hard to know what else to pack, they suggest comforting things but really, nothing is going to comfort me. Oh well, at least it's packed.
We went to Wal-Mart after running all our other errands and picked up a few butterfly things. Butterflies are our symbol for Ty (and possibly Matea) so I picked up some candle holders and a really cool jar with a fake butterfly in it. You tap the jar and it flutters around like a real butterfly. It looks really cool and our cats aren't sure what to think of it which is quite adorable. It's just a nice reminder that he is always with us.
The hamburger I ate didn't cause me any problems thankfully. So I guess that means I can go back to eating beef...mmmm...steak, corned beef and roasts here I come.
When we finally got home I started knitting and sat and watch the 3D/4D ultrasound video of Matea that we have. I haven't seen it since we got it. It was hard to see her at times but I am getting good at distinguishing things on the ultrasounds. My favourite part is at the end when she is in 2D and you can see her winking and opening her mouth, there is also a point where you can see her give me a good punch. I am so thankful we have it. During the entire ultrasound I kept looking at the black areas on the screen where the tech told us was her stomach and bladder, there were things there. We'll find out more in one week. It is so scary to know in one week we either are given more hope or have more taken away. One week.....I hope this week goes by quickly so we can find out some answers. Siggghhhh.....
Seeiong teas video